Thursday, January 04, 2007

My Theory

about my dream is really no better than any of your fact, some of yours made much more sense than mine. Particularly Jenny's theory that the dream means I just need to take a big dump.

When I first woke from the dream, I lay in bed and came up with this theory: That my dream represented my sub-conscious wondering if, were it possible, I would be able to do a better job than M at this whole "trying to make a baby thing". I mean, I'm doing my part, by jacking off into a cup. The rest, really, is up to her. Now I've NEVER wondered this consciously, but perhaps my subconscious wonders if I'd be able to do better than she's doing.

Well, the fact that in the dream the pregnancy had to be aborted answered the question. No, I wouldn't be able to do better. Even if I figured out a way to miraculously become pregnant, I'd still be subject to all the various uncertainties and risks that come at us between implantation and birth of our baby. So I've decided: I'll leave the getting pregnant stuff to M. I'll stick to rubbing one out in a Dixie cup.


So, in an effort to feel productive, we've decided to try naturally for a few months while we await the results of our blood tests (we're both anxious to see if that Brazilian prostitute I had unprotected sex with left me with a going away present) and the insurance process. We bought a fancy little ovulation test and M pees on it in the morning. So far, nothing resembling a surge. This will more than likely never amount ot anything, but hey, at least I'm finally getting laid.

OK, while I was writing this post, Thalia the brilliant consulting magnate just came up with a theory that blows mine out of the water. You win, Thalia.


Carla said...

I tried to post this on your previous entry, but couldn't get it to show up! I agree with the others--frustration over the randomness of who gets pregnant and who doesn't, and our lack of control in the whole IF process. Smarsh, I am a fellow IF and a big fan of your blog--I've been reading for a long time. Wish I could describe the look of confusion on my hubby's face when I was tearing up over your "It's Over" post a few weeks ago, and he realized that I was crying for someone I had never met or even spoken to!

Thoughts of a Mom said...

I got these interpretations from DreamMoods website:

"To dream that you are pregnant, symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. This may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal.

To dream that you are pregnant with the baby dying inside of you suggests that a project you had put a lot of effort into is falling apart and slowly deteriorating. Nothing works out the way you want it to."


"To dream that you have an abortion, suggests that you are hindering and blocking your own growth. You may be hesitant in pursuing a new direction in your life. The dream may also be a reflection of your own real-life abortion. And thus serve as a way of healing from the trauma and working towards self-acceptance.

This dream may also be a message for you to take care and look after your health."


Considering the great "project" you have been undertaking (creating a child) and also your illness (see the part about abortion representing a need to take care of your health). These interpretations may hit some pieces of the dream.

Have fun getting laid - its way more fun than ART! :)

lola said...

Smarshy I definitely think your dream means that you so badly want to be able to control what is happening and the frustration over not being able to. Maybe your subconscious is just trying to make you realize that it's all random in the end.

Enjoy trying naturally - hell if nothing else it's a lot more fun than all of this other crap, right?

Krista said...

Smarshy it is so interesting to read from a man's perspective. I remember at times being so frustrated that Rick could not take on more of this treatment. I wasn't angry with him, I knew that the burden was on me but at times it seemed so unfair and more than I could handle.

It is interesting to see you struggle with the same frustration. It makes me wonder if my husband actually felt the same way. If so, he never told me.... but I'm not sure it would have made it any better.

Just another Jenny said...

"rubbing one out in a Dixie cup" - what a beautiful way to put it. I'm off to read Thalia's brillance. Must be better than my "dump" theory.

PCOSMama said...

Hey Smarshy, just discovered you today and have been playing catch up starting around September. Just had to comment and say how nice it is to see a man's perspective on this whole IF journey.
Also, I'm so very sorry for your recent loss. I sincerely hope this upcoming vacation brings you another little miracle like your Buggins!