100 Things

This seems like a reasonable way to kill some time.

100 things about SmarshyBoy

1. "Smarshy" is a mixture of my first and last names.
2. I love artichokes
3. I named my daughter after my mother and my sister (they have the same name, obviously)
4. I'm a big dude - 6 foot 5 inches tall
5. My brother and I are 355 days apart in age (no infertility for my mother)
6. My brother is older than me, but I love those 10 days when we are the same age
7. His wife pops out kids like it's going out of style.
8. My parents got divorced after almost 40 years of marriage
9. Both of them would give absolutely anything to go back in time and reverse that decision
10. For a variety of reasons, that's not possible (my dad got remarried and my mom hates him...also, time travel not possible yet)
11. I went to a fancy boarding school in the Northeast, where I had to wear coat and tie every day to school
12. I used to hate math.
13. I made it through 4 years of college without ever having to take a math class.
14. I now have a MBA with a concentration in Finance (aka math)
15. I have size 13 feet (you know what that means...)
16. I would love to rip out Kevin Federline's heart with my bare hands and show it to him while it's still beating
17. I have an undergraduate degree in Broadcasting and Film Production
18. I was born in Beaumaris, a suburb of Melbourne, Australia
19. As a result, I have dual US / Australian citizenship
20. I was raised in a nice town in Connecticut (my parents are American)
21. While in college, I spent a semester studying at Sydney University in Australia. At a bar, I met a girl who coincidentally lived in the same town as me in Connecticut, also studying at Sydney Uni. We dated for 4 years.
22. I think Paris Hilton is a disgusting skank.
23. If I was single, I'd probably have sex with her.
24. I hate the way raw cotton feels. I can't bring myself to touch it.
25. I used to be an actor in Hollywood in my early 20's.
26. I had tiny bit parts in Friends, ER, Jurrassic Park, and Without Limits.
27. I showed my wife my membership card to the Screen Actors Guild on our first date. That nailed it.
28. I work in venture capital for a huge global company that would love to fire me for naming them on my blog
29. Sometimes, it is very clear to me that my 2 year old daughter really, really loves me.
30. That is the single best feeling I have ever had in my 35 years of life.
31. I drive a Volvo (pussy...)
32. I married my wife on a big lawn by the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica.
33. I used to smoke cigarettes (not much though)
34. I love coffee
35. I enjoy gardening, but not when its too hot
36. I love scotch.
37. Despite the fact that I used to be an actor, I have total disdain for all actors and Hollywood types.
38. I secretly read my wife's People Magazine (gotta know your enemies).
39. My least favorite kind of people are those with little self-awareness.
40. I spent one week per month working in Moscow in 2004 and early 2005.
41. I can name all the Teletubbies, as well as every single character on Sesame Street
44. My commute to work is about 1 hour each way.
45. I have 2 sisters.
46. I live less than a mile from the beach.
47. I don't understand why, after buying new furniture, it takes 10 weeks to be delivered.
48. I usually go to sleep around 9:30 pm
49. My alarm goes off every morning at 5:07 am
50. Autumn is my favorite season.
51. I asked my wife to marry me on a Thursday in late 2001
52. Before I was born, my mother had a son who died of SIDS at 14 months.
53. She's been a little "off" ever since then.
54. I react to stress by getting very sleepy.
55. The day of our last BFN, I slept for 3 hours.
56. I think cocktail onions are delicious.
57. My wife and I love to spend time on the island of Nantucket.
58. After I graduated from business school, I was unemployed for 15 months.
59. During my unemployement, my wife helped support us by making preppy belts and selling them online and in boutique stores.
60. She did this at home after working a full 9 hour day at her real job.
61. My wife no longer works.
62. My favorite color is blue.
63. I'm pretty sure I suffer from Seasonal Affectation Disorder (I get sad in the wintertime)
64. When I was a kid, I once ran away from home and hid in a big bush across the street. When I was sure everyone was freaking out, I finally went home. No one knew I had been gone.
65. I'm an independant, but I think America is going in the wrong direction.
66. I think the US has squandered alot of goodwill we used to have in the world.
67. When entertainers talk about politics, I get filled with rage.
68. I've been married for almost 4 years, and I've never met my mother in law (issues....)
69. I can make sushi
70. I once met Billy Joel.
71. After I graduated from college, my first job was working as Christian Slater's personal assistant on the film "Bed of Roses".
72. That was the worst fucking job I ever had. I was awful at it.
73. The best job I ever had was working as a launch boat driver at a yacht club on Long Island Sound.
74. I'm not one of those people who will have a difficult time retiring.
75. I have driven across the USA 5 times
76. I suffer from road rage in a BIG way
77. I snore loudly.
78. I think the most serious threat to our world is the dangerous mixture of ignorance and conviction.
79. On average, I eat 2 bananas every day
80. My wife is addicted to EBay.
81. I have a re-occuring dream about a house I have never seen in real life.
82. I dream about that house every single night, with no exception.
83. I tend to sweat alot.
84. I have a phobia about being in a bar or movie theater by myself.
85. I am a total slob.
86. I clean up pretty well.
87. The closest family member to me is 4 hours away by car.
88. I am fascinated by medicine and science and I wish I had become a doctor.
89. Sometimes I worry about the effect all this negative infertility stuff is having on my daughter.
90. I love to play video games. Especially James Bond- ish spy games.
91. I have never been arrested.
92. I have done things I should have been arrested for.
93. I had an internship at an Austalian radio station. They put me on the air every day.
94. I think the girl at my drycleaner has a crush on me.
95. She has GIGANTIC droopy boobs.
96. I don't floss as much as I should.
97. I secretly wonder if anyone does (besides dental hygenists).
98. I continue to take my daughter to swimming class, despite the fact that she screams the entire time.
99. My favorite drink at Starbucks in a grande non-fat no whip white mocha.
100. I don't listen to my wife nearly as much as I should.

The End.

Which is the lesser evil?

I've been wondering lately which is worse: packing it in and accepting that we are a one baby family, and coming to terms with the fact that even though we desperately, desperately want another baby, it's just not in the cards for us, OR strapping ourselves into the rollercoaster ride from hell, complete with all the tears, rage, shots, tantrums, and fights just to see if maybe, just maybe, we might get lucky.

Infertility misery (with possible upside), or definitely no siblings for the Buggins. Which is worse?

I'll tell you one thing: I miss my wife. I haven't seen her, really seen her, in over a year. She is a shell of her former self. How could she not be? This process is terrible and all-consuming.

We only get one go-around in life. You can't get a do-over because you spent so much time being miserable about infertility. As the clock ticks, M is painfully aware that she is losing valuable time to have another baby. And I am painfully aware that we are spending too much of our lives being miserable.

And we are incredibly lucky to have a baby already. We were told that our chances of conceiving on our own were negligible, even less than 1%. But we did it. And she is absolutely perfect.

Now, I know everyone says their kid is perfect. But clearly, not everyone's kid can be perfect. Out of all the millions of people who say their kid is perfect, one person has got to be telling the truth. Well, that person is me.

I'd even post a picture of her here, if I wasn't convinced that you'd all shit yourselves and then pass out. When you woke up, you'd be babbling incoherently about her Cuteness, and you'd be unable to go to work. As a result, the global economy would collapse, and millions of people would be out of work. Then, sensing an opportunity, George W. Bush and Dick Cheney would seize control over the entire Earth, forcing us all into slave labor.

And all because I posted a picture of the Buggins on my blog. Doesn't seem worth it.

Anyway, back to my original point. At what point does it make sense to trade possible future euphoria with current contentment? If I had to make a choice between having another baby, with my wife miserable and, quite frankly, kind of scary, or things just the way they are, but with my wife happy again, I would choose the latter. In a second.

I know the benefits of siblings, I myself am the youngest of four. I know the value they bring to your life. I also remember that my brother used to pin me down under his knees and hang a big lugie of spit over me, sucking it back up just before it hit my face. I'm just saying. Siblings can be a real drag, too.

I'd be interested in hearing the opinion of a guy who's been through this. But, judging by the comments I've been getting, there are no dudes reading my blog. I'm not complaining - I'm digging the comment love in a big way - and I am truly enthralled and fascinated by all your blogs. It's just that it does kind of seem like a she-party and I'm the only guy in the room.

I'll just hang out over here by the keg.

My Name is Smarshy, and I'm a Blogaholic

6 months ago, I couldn't have told you what a blog was.

1 month ago, I knew what one was, but I had never read one.

Now, I'm banging one out every day, and I'm reading all your blogs voraciously. I can't get enough. Blog blog blog. Blog this, blog that. What's that? I've done 5 minutes of work IN A ROW at my job? Time for a blog break. Hey - I just took a leak, maybe during that time someone updated their blog or wrote me a comment. Better check.

I swear to God, I'm not well.

I think I'm just euphoric about having found a community that gets it. All our friends in real life are a bunch of - what do you guys call them? Asshats?

You guys had me at hello...(sniff)... You complete me.

Ok seriously, do you guys realize that my wife and I sit here, feet up on the coffee table, laptop slowly cutting off the circulation to our legs, waiting for you guys to update your blogs? C'mon...WTF? What are you guys doing? Working at your jobs? Going outside? Don't you know that we need to read your insights and humor to get through this post-BFN week? Get with it dammit.

That is all.

Only you know

Interesting couple of days.

Literally hours after I peeled my wife up off the ground following her negative test, her period started. So she called the Dr, and they said to come in on Sunday for an ultrasound.

Couple hours later, she wasn't so sure she had her period. Now, I'm no expert on periods. I spent my late teens and twenties praying that my girlfriends would get their periods. Now I pray that my wife doesn't. That's the extent of my knowledge of what you all call "AF" (still haven't figured out what the hell that stands for).

Anyway, something wasn't right. Blood had stopped. There was some initial blood, but then no more. She thought little of it, and went to bed.

Saturday morning there was still very light spotting. Not a normal period. No one told her that this might happen, no one ever explained squat. (Background note: we use a state of the art medical facility in Boston, one of the premier fertility clinics in the USA. The level of medical technology is outstanding. The level of personal care is ABYSMAL. Seriously, I think there is an inverse relationship between quality of medical care and level of douchebagginess.)

So M calls the nurse on Saturday morning to ask her opinion. You know, "Is this normal? Do you think I'm having my period? Does going off the pregesterone make you spot first?" The reason I say she had to call the nurse, instead of the Dr, is because she has not SEEN or SPOKEN with the Dr. since her initital consultation MONTHS ago.

Anyway, nurse had to be paged at home (didn't start work until 11am). So I can understand she was pissed to be bugged at home. And I know her job is hard. I know she works very hard, and is underpaid. But give me a fucking break. No one held a gun to her head and made her be a nurse. I digress.

The nurse said, and I quote, "Oh PLEASE. Only YOU know if you are having your period".

Then the nurse said the M should just skip this month anyway, since she would likely be "riddled with cysts" from her last failed cycle. She said there was really no need to get the ultrasound on Sunday.

M decided to go today anyway. Not ONE FUCKING CYST anywhere. And, it doesn't really matter when your period actually started anyway, since they control everything anyway with all the wacky drugs. And M confided in the ultrasound technician about the weird period. The technician said "oh, yeah, the spotting? That's normal. Should last a day or so until the normal flow. You did the right thing by coming in". HELLO....she had to hear this from the ultrasound technician?! Would it have been so hard for the nurse to say that?

So if we had listened to that mean nurse-bitch, we would have missed a month for no reason. And the clock is ticking, baby. We don't exactly have a lot of time to waste.

Deciding to go in for the ultrasound anyway was one little exercise of control that we have had. Thank God we did it! Unfortunately, after the failed IVF, we have to go back for 3 IUIs before we get back to IVF. So we have to use the procedure with a lesser chance of working 3 times before we can get to the procedure that yields better results, even though that same procedure just failed for us.

My wife is convinced that IUI has never worked for anyone, ever. Can anyone in blogland please prove her wrong?

It is what it is

That's pretty much my personal motto.

I say it all the time, just ask my wife. I probably say it way more than I should.

I think it just illustrates my personal philosophy. One of the few things I do very well, I think, is worry about those things I can change, and accept those things that I can not change. I am one of those people who takes in bad news, assimilates it, recognizes the new Reality, and moves on, fully adjusted. Now, I don't know if that's a personal trait, or a male thing, or what. It's just the way I roll.

My beautiful wife? Not so much.

She's an equal-opportunity obsessor. She gives just as much attention to those things she can not control as she does to those she can. But that's really the bitch about this whole thing, isn't it. CONTROL. There is none. We're all smart. We'll all pretty accomplished. I mean, for the most part, we're in our 30's, when you start to realize that the shit you did in your 20's may have actually taught you something. Now we are used to having control over everything in our lives, ESPECIALLY those things that are really important.

But this, this fertility crap. It's the most important thing EVER. And we have less control over it than we've ever had over anything. I have more control over the path of the moon's orbit than I do over whether or not my wife will ever be pregnant again.

So if I follow my own philosophy, I should not be stressed at all, because I only stress about that which I can control, and since I can't control any of this, I should be footloose and fancy free.

So why am I so fucking stressed?

A bad, bad day

The test was negative.

What do we bloggers call it? BFN? It was a BFN.

We're crushed.

Apparantly, M was sure she was pregnant. She kept that a secret; she never told me she felt pregnant. I thought we were on the same page with respect to our expectations; I was hopeful, but not optimistic. I mean, it's still only 35%. That's not good.

If she had told me she was 99% sure, I could have tried to bring her back down to Earth. When I got the call at work today from her, and all she could do was scream and cry and hyperventilate into the phone, I was a bit shocked by how strong her reaction was. I came home immediately.

She has cried all day. She feels like she was given these little "babies" and she messed them up. She feels like she's broken, and that everyone other woman in the world can get pregnant so easily.

It's a bad day.

Maybe I should read the directions

I can't figure out how to do this. I'm trying to get a picture in the upper right hand corner, but it's not working. Its driving me fucking crazy and I'm about to put my fist through my computer. I think I'm going to leave it for now and figure it out later.

Hi.

This is the first post of my blog. Alot of pressure on the first post. Kind of sets the tone. If someone reads this and doesn't like it, I've lost them. I don't have lots of witty, intelligent past posts to fall back on.

I figured I'd start a blog because I've had a really fucked up year and I don't really have anyone I can truly bitch about it to. That's where you all come in. I can't bitch to my wife, 'cause she has much more to bitch about than I do (more on that later).

For summary purposes, I'll break it down thusly:

Married wife "M" in Jamaica in 2002. She's beautiful, caring, silly, intelligent. Kind of has a bitchy streak. But I love her madly and completely.

We tried to get pregnant for about 8 months starting in 2003. No luck. (Normally that would be no issue, but M was over 35 at this time so we had to get crackin'.) Had some tests done, and the Dr. told me my boys were 1) lazy 2) few in number 3) ugly and misshapen 4) generally BAD. So I had that going for me.

We had an IUI with M's OB. Total waste of time. Got poked and prodded and we were told that we had almost no chance of conceiving on our own. Took a month off to digest this terrible news. Guess what happened during that month? Yup - bingo. Remove the doctors and let a couple get their freak on because they actually WANT to, and its amazing what can happen.

Baby Buggins born September 2004. She is the most wonderful thing that ever was.

M was short of breath during pregancy, thought it was normal. It wasn't. After coughing her lungs out for a year, she went to the doctor. Idiopathic Larygotracheal Stenosis. Unexplained scar tissue building up in her trachea, blocking 80% of her airway. Big surgery, intensive care, big muthafucking scar across her neck.

2 months later, terrible pains, runs to emergency room. Another hospital stay. Exit gall bladder.

Time for new baby. No luck on our own for over a year. Started IUI, M responded too strongly to drugs, got converted to IVF all of a sudden, had 2 embryos transfered (my sperm count was BEYOND awesome by the way - it was like super-human good). M's beta test is Friday Aug 25th (tomorrow). I am praying. She is pretty sure it will be negative.

So those are the facts. In my next posts, I'll be able to share with you what I THINK about those facts. Plus new fun facts, like how much I hate my job. But I'm tired of typing.

By the way, I figured out how to get that picture on the top right corner. That's me.

See ya -

Smarsh