Friday, August 25, 2006

A bad, bad day

The test was negative.

What do we bloggers call it? BFN? It was a BFN.

We're crushed.

Apparantly, M was sure she was pregnant. She kept that a secret; she never told me she felt pregnant. I thought we were on the same page with respect to our expectations; I was hopeful, but not optimistic. I mean, it's still only 35%. That's not good.

If she had told me she was 99% sure, I could have tried to bring her back down to Earth. When I got the call at work today from her, and all she could do was scream and cry and hyperventilate into the phone, I was a bit shocked by how strong her reaction was. I came home immediately.

She has cried all day. She feels like she was given these little "babies" and she messed them up. She feels like she's broken, and that everyone other woman in the world can get pregnant so easily.

It's a bad day.


Beagle said...

I am so sorry. It will not help right now, but she is not alone. I have meesed up many a "baby" and feel quite broken too.

I know it is incredibly hard to see your partner fall apart while you are in pain too. Each partner feels like they are letting the other down in some way and no one has the magic to make it all better.

My best advice from the female point of view: hold each other until the screaming stops and feel free to scream along (or not).

Infertility is a special kind of hell.

Mony said...

Heavy heart.
I am so very sorry for you both. A negative is a disappointment unlike anything else.
I am so incredibly impressed by this blog, it's so unusual to have a male perspective. And frankly, I am enlightened. Now go hug your wife & tell her that a chick in Australia said "You do not cry alone"
Hope we see you 'round some more, Smarsh...there's lots of great support right here.

ellie said...

I am sorry about your bfn. I won't capitalize it- I just prefer not to look at the letters in any larger than necessary. It's kind of an emotional roller coaster the whole trying to conceive thing. Proably be a couple of days before the sting of bfn wears off and you can both begin to decide what is next. I might add that it is kind of unfortunate timing for bfn in general- I mean it comes when all the hormones are at a peak and starting to drop- because of the whole extra treatments and drugs- the experience is more intense and thus the outcome a bit more dramatic. Kind of depends on the drugs- they all create alittle emotional side thing- clomid for me was the worst-- I think I spent a night in the bathroom wondering why I was trying to have kids with my hubs. Hmm, seemed like a good idea before I did the drug-- Anyhow, Good luck with the week ahead- take time to listen and support one another as you grieve- it isn't just the bfn- it is grieving the hope that you secretly had that it wasn't a bfn.

Dramalish said...

So sorry about the BFN. Thank goodness your wife has you (and that you have her!)...

I hope tomorrow is a better day.

LabiaLady said...

infertility sucks big donkeys balls... i am so sorry that this did not work for you. As others above have said... you and your wife are not alone... I found much comfort in the words of IF bloggers. I hope you find some peace there too.

Heather said...

I'm so sorry. It is crushing when Hope sneaks in. I'm glad that you have each other.

GZ said...

Negatives always suck. Some more than others. I hope you and your wife feel a little better soon, and I hope that you find some comfort in blogland.

Bugsy said...

Welcome to blogland. I am so sorry about your BFN. As beagle said - infertility is a special kind of hell. My husband and I have the added bonus of miscarrying every time we finally do get pregnant (which is a huge battle in itself). oh joy.

infertilify treatments can be emotional torment for women and it isn't just the added hormones. I mean, i know my husband understands what I, as the female, am going through, but for us there is no escape. We feel it all day long and when you get that BFN you drop hard.

I hope you guys get a break soon. In the meantime, keep being the great hubby you obviously are, give lots of hugs to each other and listen to each other. It is the only thing that will get your through.

One Mother's Journey said...

Beagle said it SO well - infertility is definetly a special kind of hell. I'm SO sorry for you both.

Welcome to blogland - it's unbelievable there are so many of us isn't it?

NikkiNix said...

Wow. I'm feeling it for you guys man :( I'm 12 days until retrieval and over a month from my first preggo test ---eeeeeYIKES!