Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Which is the lesser evil?

I've been wondering lately which is worse: packing it in and accepting that we are a one baby family, and coming to terms with the fact that even though we desperately, desperately want another baby, it's just not in the cards for us, OR strapping ourselves into the rollercoaster ride from hell, complete with all the tears, rage, shots, tantrums, and fights just to see if maybe, just maybe, we might get lucky.

Infertility misery (with possible upside), or definitely no siblings for the Buggins. Which is worse?

I'll tell you one thing: I miss my wife. I haven't seen her, really seen her, in over a year. She is a shell of her former self. How could she not be? This process is terrible and all-consuming.

We only get one go-around in life. You can't get a do-over because you spent so much time being miserable about infertility. As the clock ticks, M is painfully aware that she is losing valuable time to have another baby. And I am painfully aware that we are spending too much of our lives being miserable.

And we are incredibly lucky to have a baby already. We were told that our chances of conceiving on our own were negligible, even less than 1%. But we did it. And she is absolutely perfect.

Now, I know everyone says their kid is perfect. But clearly, not everyone's kid can be perfect. Out of all the millions of people who say their kid is perfect, one person has got to be telling the truth. Well, that person is me.

I'd even post a picture of her here, if I wasn't convinced that you'd all shit yourselves and then pass out. When you woke up, you'd be babbling incoherently about her Cuteness, and you'd be unable to go to work. As a result, the global economy would collapse, and millions of people would be out of work. Then, sensing an opportunity, George W. Bush and Dick Cheney would seize control over the entire Earth, forcing us all into slave labor.

And all because I posted a picture of the Buggins on my blog. Doesn't seem worth it.

Anyway, back to my original point. At what point does it make sense to trade possible future euphoria with current contentment? If I had to make a choice between having another baby, with my wife miserable and, quite frankly, kind of scary, or things just the way they are, but with my wife happy again, I would choose the latter. In a second.

I know the benefits of siblings, I myself am the youngest of four. I know the value they bring to your life. I also remember that my brother used to pin me down under his knees and hang a big lugie of spit over me, sucking it back up just before it hit my face. I'm just saying. Siblings can be a real drag, too.

I'd be interested in hearing the opinion of a guy who's been through this. But, judging by the comments I've been getting, there are no dudes reading my blog. I'm not complaining - I'm digging the comment love in a big way - and I am truly enthralled and fascinated by all your blogs. It's just that it does kind of seem like a she-party and I'm the only guy in the room.

I'll just hang out over here by the keg.


Treggles said...

Hi Smarshy,

I've just found you from a comment you made on Alli's blog. And I'm a bloke.

Keep up the good work so far, and keep your sanity.

I'll be checking in to keep up with your news.

David said...

If nothing else, I think blogging might be helping keep you 'sane' under the barrage.

Mony said...

Who let all the friggin' men in?
:) Joke.

Smarshy, it's a tough call. Secondary infertility is just as heartbreaking as primary. At this stage for me (4.5 years of infertility) I seem convinced that I would be over the moon to conceive and deliver one child. I will be content & siblings be damned. If I get my child I will never put myself through this hell again...... of course I always assumed I would have 3 kids, but the reality is one will be a effing miracle.
I'm sure your wife misses the woman she used to be too. I know I miss the punk I once was. All this crankiness doesn't become me. Grrr.

One Mother's Journey said...

Hi Smarshy.

I'm not a guy, obviously - but I can imagine that what your feeling is similar to what my husband is feeling.

It's a tough call on when enough is enough and I think it's something that you will just instinctively know. There is so much heartache attached to infertility whether it's primary or secondary that I think it's probably safe to say that everyone has a breaking point. When you hit it, you're done... one way or the other.

I know for me, each day I spend with my kids, my desire for another grows more and more. Selfishly, I don't want this part of my life to be over. My oldest is turning 17 in a few days and I would give anything and everything to go back and do it all over again.

Compounding my inability to let go is the fact that the only biological child my husband and I had together was stillborn - I want SO much for him to experience the joy of being a parent (although he's an awesome stepdad) and it breaks my heart that I probably won't be able to give him that. I'm just not ready to let that one go yet...

I don't know what's worse - wondering what your missing out on or knowing what your missing, but I think they both bite.

ellie said...

I don't know that there is a lesser evil once you start down the path. The infertility will always be a part of you- just like any other life experience. We talk about whether to move forward with ivf 1.9999 or to stop- the process is truly a huge endeavor and every time we get a bfn we wonder whether the heart ache and healing are good for us. I can only speak for myself when I say I need to try it all at least once to make sure I have done everything I possibly can before throwing in the towel.

Heather said...

Just rolled across your blog.
My husband could of written this entry. The best thing he ever did was to show me a good time while we were going through the crap of infertility. Somehow, he would make me laugh as we drove to the clinic for yet another u/s and more b/w. I'm not saying it worked all the time, but it definately made it bareable while we were going through it.
He always reminded me that we can't take some of this stuff to seriously or we'll go batshit insane.

Piccinigirl said...

found your blog through another one, welcome to blogland and thank you for writing so well about what's it's like on the guy's side. I will share your blog with my husband and hope that it can help him articulate all the feelings he has about our 3 years of IF.


NikkiNix said...

Not only do you love the attention, you also love the insught... admit it. You totally atre appreciating that your wife is juuuuust like the millions of other women struggling with this issue.... now about Buggins collapsing the economy... c'mon, teach her to become an actor so she can be heard above the politicians so she can create... you know, "world peace" (Miss. COngeniality in case you didn't get my ribbing - it's a grrrreat movie, you should watch it - with your wife!

You are so fresh, honest and funny - I hail thee Oh-Daddy-of-Cute-Buggins... thanks for sharing, and stop making a spectacle of yourself over there alone by the Keg... drum up some testosterone in these part will you and c'mon over here and chat :)

PLease put on your trifocals to read this disclaimer - I really don't want to offend you, I hope I haven't. I'll know if you visit my blog and ream me out if I did, but I hope you know that I really appreciate you being the Lone-Testosterone-Ranger among us Hormonally manipulated women ;)