Whew...So THAT sucked.
I've basically been in a coma since Monday night, and not for the reason you think. Around 4am that night, I woke up and I was sick. I mean, SICK. Not barfing, or anything like that. But I just knew I was coming down with something BIG. I got up anyway and went to work. By the time I strolled in, I was shivering, coughing, and about to pass out. I walked in late to a meeting and everyone stopped and looked at me as if I had another head growing out of my chest. I was promptly told to go home, which I did.
I seriously don't remember anything after that. I don't remember driving home, I don't remember drinking the N.yquil and climbing into bed. I only know I sent my boss an e-mail from my black.berry telling him I wouldn't be in yesterday because I saw it this morning in my "sent" folder. Yesterday was the first time I've ever called in sick since I've been at this job, which is 5 years. I've left early due to illness, but I've always at least tried to go in.
So of course this left M to deal with her chemical pregnancy loss by herself. We only got the news on Monday, so we only had about 8 hours to deal with it together before I was down for the count. She is doing surprisingly well.
She went back to the clinic for a blood test on Wed morning to make sure the levels were falling (they are, beta:55) and to have a post-mortem with CityDoc. I would have loved to have been there, but I was thrashing around in a nightmarish state brought on by crazy-making meds in a pool of sweat, snot, and dirty tissues. M had to bring the Buggins, too, which is just terrible for so many reasons. She tried to get her into the hospital day care but they were not open yet. So M brought the mini DVD player and "E.lmo's Christmas" and the Buggins sat there like such a good little girl while her mommy and CityDoc discussed the ramifications of a botched pregnancy.
Since I wasn't there, I can't really speak to the meeting, but here are some quotes I got my wife:
"I wish all my 38 year old patients responded like you"
"From a clinical point of view, a chemical pregnancy is MUCH better than a negative"
"You obviously have no implantation issues"
"My guess is there were genetic abnormalities in the eggs, because everything else was perfect"
So, M felt better after speaking with him. She is still terribly sad about the failure of this cycle, but somewhat hopeful about future cycles. We need to take some time off. After a chemical pregnancy, they want us to take a full cycle off anyway, and then if we started a fresh cycle right away we'd have to cancel our trip to St. Thomas in March, which neither of us are keen to do. So we'll start a fresh cycle in March, she'll be on the bcp's on our trip, and we'll dive in full force around the time that Serenity's bulbs are poking up.
While sad, this time off will allow us to focus on the Buggins. We need to. The poor little bug has been listening to this for too long. On the day we got the news, when M was crying hysterically into my shoulder, Buggins was standing there saying "Mama, W'as Wong? W'as Wong?" She's only 2 for Pete's sake. She deserves so much more than this. It's not fair to her.
Because I was so sick, M and the Buggins got out of the house yesterday and M took Buggins to the day care associated with my work because she loves it there so much. She needed to have a fun day, and M needed a day to be by herself and sort everything out. So M spent the day in Boston, walking, shopping, getting various things done (eyebrows I think) and it was very healing for her. What was especially healing for her was that she stumbled upon a Mul.berry Bag that was 40% off. I only know of this bag because she makes me search for it when I'm in London. I don't know what's so special about it. It's a bag. But she has wanted it for a long time, and she called me yesterday from the store, jarring me out of my ny.quil coma, and took advantage of my condition to ask if she could have it for Christmas. I probably thought at the time that she was asking me if I had ever wanted to pitch for the Boston Red Sox, to which of course I answered "Yes". So, that was an expensive phone call. But man, did it make her happy. Money well spent.
So we're doing ok. We're going to NYC on the 26th to see my dad for a couple days. And we are going to have a fun, merry, Buggins-centric Christmas. It's going to be complete with Santa, and presents, and carols, and friends, and parties, and very few thoughts about chromosomally abnormal embryos. Just like the olden days.
I lied before. I said I didn't remember anything about the 2 days I was in bed. Not true. I have blogger set up to send my comments to my black.berry, which I kept next to my bed. Every now and then I would reach up with my snotty fingers and grab the device, and read through all your caring, touching comments. I read every single one (So did M) and they really made us feel good. This is a tremendous community. It cannot be adequately described in words. Thank you all for your nice thoughts. And most of all, CONGRATS to the many, many people who defied the crappy odds and got pregnant this month!