Thursday, December 21, 2006

Hello? Testing... (tap tap...) Is This Thing On?

Whew...So THAT sucked.

I've basically been in a coma since Monday night, and not for the reason you think. Around 4am that night, I woke up and I was sick. I mean, SICK. Not barfing, or anything like that. But I just knew I was coming down with something BIG. I got up anyway and went to work. By the time I strolled in, I was shivering, coughing, and about to pass out. I walked in late to a meeting and everyone stopped and looked at me as if I had another head growing out of my chest. I was promptly told to go home, which I did.

I seriously don't remember anything after that. I don't remember driving home, I don't remember drinking the N.yquil and climbing into bed. I only know I sent my boss an e-mail from my black.berry telling him I wouldn't be in yesterday because I saw it this morning in my "sent" folder. Yesterday was the first time I've ever called in sick since I've been at this job, which is 5 years. I've left early due to illness, but I've always at least tried to go in.

So of course this left M to deal with her chemical pregnancy loss by herself. We only got the news on Monday, so we only had about 8 hours to deal with it together before I was down for the count. She is doing surprisingly well.

She went back to the clinic for a blood test on Wed morning to make sure the levels were falling (they are, beta:55) and to have a post-mortem with CityDoc. I would have loved to have been there, but I was thrashing around in a nightmarish state brought on by crazy-making meds in a pool of sweat, snot, and dirty tissues. M had to bring the Buggins, too, which is just terrible for so many reasons. She tried to get her into the hospital day care but they were not open yet. So M brought the mini DVD player and "E.lmo's Christmas" and the Buggins sat there like such a good little girl while her mommy and CityDoc discussed the ramifications of a botched pregnancy.

Since I wasn't there, I can't really speak to the meeting, but here are some quotes I got my wife:
"I wish all my 38 year old patients responded like you"
"From a clinical point of view, a chemical pregnancy is MUCH better than a negative"
"You obviously have no implantation issues"
"My guess is there were genetic abnormalities in the eggs, because everything else was perfect"

So, M felt better after speaking with him. She is still terribly sad about the failure of this cycle, but somewhat hopeful about future cycles. We need to take some time off. After a chemical pregnancy, they want us to take a full cycle off anyway, and then if we started a fresh cycle right away we'd have to cancel our trip to St. Thomas in March, which neither of us are keen to do. So we'll start a fresh cycle in March, she'll be on the bcp's on our trip, and we'll dive in full force around the time that Serenity's bulbs are poking up.

While sad, this time off will allow us to focus on the Buggins. We need to. The poor little bug has been listening to this for too long. On the day we got the news, when M was crying hysterically into my shoulder, Buggins was standing there saying "Mama, W'as Wong? W'as Wong?" She's only 2 for Pete's sake. She deserves so much more than this. It's not fair to her.

Because I was so sick, M and the Buggins got out of the house yesterday and M took Buggins to the day care associated with my work because she loves it there so much. She needed to have a fun day, and M needed a day to be by herself and sort everything out. So M spent the day in Boston, walking, shopping, getting various things done (eyebrows I think) and it was very healing for her. What was especially healing for her was that she stumbled upon a Mul.berry Bag that was 40% off. I only know of this bag because she makes me search for it when I'm in London. I don't know what's so special about it. It's a bag. But she has wanted it for a long time, and she called me yesterday from the store, jarring me out of my ny.quil coma, and took advantage of my condition to ask if she could have it for Christmas. I probably thought at the time that she was asking me if I had ever wanted to pitch for the Boston Red Sox, to which of course I answered "Yes". So, that was an expensive phone call. But man, did it make her happy. Money well spent.

So we're doing ok. We're going to NYC on the 26th to see my dad for a couple days. And we are going to have a fun, merry, Buggins-centric Christmas. It's going to be complete with Santa, and presents, and carols, and friends, and parties, and very few thoughts about chromosomally abnormal embryos. Just like the olden days.

I lied before. I said I didn't remember anything about the 2 days I was in bed. Not true. I have blogger set up to send my comments to my black.berry, which I kept next to my bed. Every now and then I would reach up with my snotty fingers and grab the device, and read through all your caring, touching comments. I read every single one (So did M) and they really made us feel good. This is a tremendous community. It cannot be adequately described in words. Thank you all for your nice thoughts. And most of all, CONGRATS to the many, many people who defied the crappy odds and got pregnant this month!


aah0424 said...

It is good you guys are taking a bit of time off for your selves and your little girl, but it also good to hear you're not throwing in the towel. Hope you all have a great holiday!

serenity said...

Hey - I am so glad to see the update. Really glad to hear that M is doing ok. Very sorry to hear how sick you are... hope you're feeling better.

M and I might actually be cycling together if she waits until my bulbs come up to cycle - I'm gonna be doing stims come March too! Let's hope next Christmas is a good one for the both of us.

*hugs* to the both of you Smarsh. And the Buggins, because she's so damn cute. :)

lola said...

Ugh, sorry you were so sick! I have it too, this evil cold must be running rampant about Boston.

It sounds like you and M are in a good place and it's great that you are already planning for the future AND that you're not going to cancel your vacation. I'm glad that you can concentrate on the Buggins and go out and have some Christmas fun. Tell M that I am jealous of her new bag :) Men will never understand a woman's need for purses.

Have a very Merry Christmas and I hope Santa brings the Buggins lots of great presents because she is such a cutie pie!

One Mother's Journey said...

I'm sorry it's so hard - but I'm glad you're both doing well. Hope you feel better before traveling. Congrats to M on the Mulberry! Have a wonderful Christmas and I hope 2007 brings you guys everything you want.

soralis said...

Sorry to hear you are sick... hope it clears up soon!

Glad to hear you and your wife are OK. Thinking of both of you and the buggins!

Take care

Jen said...

Smarsh, so glad to see your update, thinking about you lots these last few days wondering how you and M are dealing... happy to hear you are turning your attentions to little Buggins who deserves a wonderful christmas full of ho ho ho's and jolly jingle bells, regardless of what mommy and daddy are going through... and you sound like you've got some hope again which is great! All the best to you and your family for Christmas and the New Year!

Just another Jenny said...

I am glad you guys have a positive force (the Buggins) to help pull you through this. That and a fabulous new purse! I hope you are feeling better soon.

OHN said...

I checked out the Mulbury site--I can't exchange brit money for American but Smarshy you are one helluva great guy..even if it was in a NyQuil fueled haze.

I hope you guys have a couple of "normal" months to love the buggins. The whole IF thing is one huge pain in the ass and you need to step back every now and then. Have a great time in NYC--Have Mrs Smarshy check out Canal street for some really nice knock-offs too.

Alli said...

Hope you are feeling better - yikes.

Thinking of you and Mrs. Smarshy.

Piccinigirl said...

well I am certainly glad you are feeling better, it sounds like that Ny.quil beat the crap out of that cold. (hi-ya)

I think your Christmas plans sound wonderful, and a Buggins centered Christmas is probobly what you both need at this point. I know it's hard and it sucks, it just does, and it's so unfair. Yet Christmas is a good time to plan to "try again" I know I have at once been looking forward and dreading Jan when it would time for IUIs again. The break was good for us and I hope it will be good for you both too.

thinking of all of you and MERRY CHRISTMAS if I don't get to your blog before Christmas. :)

spark said...

I'm so happy to hear from you! And even happier to hear that you're moving on and ready to enjoy the holidays!! Then moving on to the next cycle after a refreshing vacation!! Happy holidays and have fun in NYC and USVI!!

My Reality said...

Feel better soon Smarshy!

Merry Christmas to you, M and the Buggins.

Rumour Miller said...

Sorry to hear a bad bug bit you right in the butt... it sounds like everything turned out and you and M and Buggins all got a much needed break. Oh ya and a bag!

Have a Merry Buggins Centered Christmas ...