Monday, December 18, 2006

We're Done.

The beta fell. It was 74, now it's 73.

I think we all know what this means. I'm sure someone has heard of some story of some couple whose HCG level stayed the same for a while and then grew, but it's less likely than winning the lottery. This cycle is done for. M is due to get her most painful period ever on Christmas day.

M fell apart when she got the phone call. They told her to stay on the progesterone for a few days just in case, she told them to forget it. They said she had to come back on Wed for another blod test, and she told them to forget it. The nurse had to explain the risk of ectopic, and that she absolutely had to be monitored. M couldn't speak any more and told the nurse to call me instead.

My poor wife. She was so nervous signing in to the clinic this morning that she couldn't remember our home phone number or her cell number. Her hands were shaking so much that she couldn't write her name on the log. She's such a stress case. IVF plays directly to all of her weaknesses, and none of her strengths. It's not fair.

We had planned for every contingency. We knew, from past experience, that she should not be alone when she gets the news. And that we should never be at the mercy of one of these phone calls again. We would always control the information ourselves, and we'd always know BEFORE the call. And I would always be next to her.

Well, we were naive. We never considered this outcome. We took the pee test together, it was positive. She had the beta on a Saturday so that I would be with her the whole day. We did everything right. But the god damned HCG was too low, and it all came down to ANOTHER call, on a MONDAY, when I HAD to be at work. It was like our last BFN all over again. I had to rush home to peel my wife up off the ground.

And it's not like we can just sit at home wallowing in our misery or decide to get dressed up and go out for dinner or get drunk. We have the Buggins, who at 2 doesn't give a rats ass about IVF. She wants to play, and sing, and dance. There is no time to feel bad for ourselves, we have to put on a happy face. When I arrived home, all the Buggins wanted to do was play ring around the rosy, and M was in a ball on the couch. At times like this, having a child already can make it even harder. And yet, at the same time, so much easier.

We think we might be done. M has made about 50 proclamations today, in a futile effort to feel in control. We'll see how many of them stick. But as of right now, we might be deciding to be a one child family. Which we know, despite this terrible pain, makes us very lucky.

I'm sorry for making many of you sad with this news. I am thankful for your comments and messages of hope and understanding. We are not doing well today, by any stretch. But I think we'll be OK soon.

52 comments:

Another girl said...

Oh Smarshy - I am so sorry. Just plain sucks. Not much else to say. Hugs to you all - I hope the physical part comes quickly for M.

Jen said...

I'm so so sorry, this is not at all how it was supposed to go. I can only imagine what you and M are going through right now, my prayers are with you both, for peace for yourselves and eachother and for the sweet Buggins too, (((((hugs))))

Melissa said...

I'm so sorry Smarsh. You and M will most definately be in my prayers...and I hope you get to feeling somewhat normal sooner rather than later.

HeavenLeigh said...

I can't express how sorry I am.. You're in my thoughts.

aah0424 said...

I am so sorry!

Hopeful Mother said...

I'm sorry that this didn't work out the way any of us had wanted.

I can't imagine how difficult dealing with such pain must be when you have the Buggins smiling sweetly back at you, oblivious to what's hurting her mommy and daddy so much.

I will be praying for you guys tonight. For strength, unity and peace with whatever comes next.

{HUGS to you and M}

Motel Manager said...

I am so, so sorry to hear this news. And what timing - ugh! I'll be thinking of you and M (and the B) and hoping that things go better for you (in whatever way you want them to) in 2007.....

One Mother's Journey said...

I'm very sorry.

Debbie said...

I'm so sorry. My heart aches for you and your wife.

Leggy said...

Crap- I'm so sorry. Miscarriages after IVF are just so damn awful. They are all awful, but to put so much effort in it and have it (almost) work is such a friggin tease.

Tell Mrs. Smarshy I'm so sorry.

lola said...

Smarshy & M I am so sorry. There really are no words right now. Please take care of each other. You are JMA's and my thoughts and prayers. Anything we can do, just let us know.

Flicka said...

So sorry for you both. It's so hard when you plan for all the contingencies and then one comes along from out of the blue to smack you down. You're in my thoughts.

Amy said...

There is nothing I can say to ease your pain. I know because I've been there. Please know that you're in my prayers. A special one is going up for you & your wife tonight. I promise.
<3 Amy

Watson said...

I am so sorry. I was hoping (along with everyone else out here) that you and M would get some good news today.

I can only imagine the impending holidays make it even more difficult, which is just so unfair and so sucky!

You guys seem like such a great, united team facing this together and I just wish it had turned out differently.

You both are in my thoughts.

K S said...

My heart hurts for you and M. I'm so very sorry. I just went through a very early pg loss in October and had to have several follow-up betas...which totally sucks. It can take a couple weeks for the beta to get below 5.

I know that there is nothing that I can say that will soften this terrible blow, but I do at least want to let M know that I, too, dreaded af after I learned my beta was dropping, but it turned out not to be anything like I had feared. No bad cramping or clotting and even lighter in general than usual. It was like my body just absorbed any evidence of pg -- which was sad in its own way as much as it was a relief.

Take care of yourselves and take the time you need to grieve. Buggins may need you to put on a happy face, but don't let anyone else bully you into trying to be festive when you don't feel like it.

Kris said...

Oh, I hate the teaser betas. And I hate the admonishment that you have to keep doing the progesterone and keep being monitored for an ectopic (though that did happen to me) because it takes a shit situation and drags it out. And I hate that this happened to you and M and Buggins. And I'm starting to hate typing "I'm sorry." But I truly am.

Rumour Miller said...

I don't have any words of wisdom or funny antics. I got nothing in my bag of tricks to help ease your pain.

I am so terribly sorry. I know the pain of a BFN. I just wanted you to know that this prairie girl is thinking of you and your family and positive thoughts for M. Know that all your blogging buddies are here waiting to help dust you all off when you are ready. Whatever that "ready" means for you and M.

I hope the magic of the season finds it's way into your home. Peace, love, happiness and giggles (lots of giggles).

Jessica said...

I'm so sorry. I wish I had something to say to make it all better, but of course there is nothing. Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

spark said...

I am so so sorry, Smarshy & M. You will be in my thoughts. Lots & lots of hugs.

My Reality said...

Smarshy & M, I am so sorry that things didn't go better today. I will think of you both.

Lyrehca said...

So very sorry for you both.

theoneliner said...

nothing about this is ok. nothing. how horribly unfair. and awful. and i am, so, so, so sorry.

Mony said...

:(
Sad for you.

Thalia said...

Well isn't it just the time of year for totally crappy news, huh? Someone up there has totally got it in for us. Bastards.

I can't handle any more "I'm sorry"s, so here's my favourite joke

How many Mossad agents does it take to change a lightbulb?
There was no lightbulb.

Ask an israeli for an explanation if you don't get it. But I like it.

Thinking of all three of you.

Kath said...

Oh, Smarshy, this is awful. I'm so sorry. And yes, thinking about control in a situation like that is so utterly futile... Because somehow we expect a yes/no outcome, and then get mauled by this excruciating dithering by nature and fate. How tough that you have to be facing this at Christmastime. Thinking of you both and hoping that the Buggins gives you both some of her magic face-rubbing therapy.

Rosepetal said...

Smarshy, I have been reading for a while but have never commented. I'm so, so sorry this didn't work and I'm thinking of you and M.

OHN said...

One again we find ourselves asking -why? It has never been fair that good people like you two can't get the only thing you truly want. My heart goes out to you both.Give the Buggins an extra hug tonight and maybe that will help ease the sadness.

Mr Blue Sky said...

Hey Smarshy, so sorry to hear the bad news.

Like so many I can't find the right words other than, our thoughts are with you and take care of your family.

Paul

Samantha said...

Like everyone else, my heart goes out to you. The same thing happened me this past summer and it was a horrible experience to keep having to go back for more blood draws and watch the number slowly fall. We try to plan for the "yes" or "no" but it's the "maybe" that kills us.

Best holidays to you, M, and the Buggins.

Heather said...

Smarshy, I'm so sorry that you and M are going through this. This just plain sucks. Take care of each other.

Katie said...

*($)#&*()!&*)*)$^@*)$@*()$&*@!(%)&*@()#^~*_$&@!*(_$()_$%&@#*()^@*($)^@!*&(#O)@

and

I'm very very sad and sorry.

Heather said...

I'm so sorry. I can only imagine how difficult IF would be when you have a child. Like you said, she wants to be happy and play and you need time to grieve.

Please give my best to M.

I'm so very sorry.

songbird36 said...

I'm so sorry Smarshy & M. You both are in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Tina said...

I am so sorry. Sending you many prayers... But, I know nothing can take away your pain. :(

Karen said...

I'm really terribly sorry to read this news. It's no fun at all.

Krista said...

Oh Smarshy

I am very, very sorry for you and M. Please take very good care of each other and be extra gentle. I will be thinking of you and hoping you heal and that Buggins bright smile keeps the depression away for the most part.

serenity said...

I am so fucking sorry that you and M have to deal with this, Smarsh. My love to the both of you.

Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to your family, I am so sorry. Having the hope get so high and then hit so low makes it even harder to deal with. I hope that time helps heal your hearts.
this is just another jenny - it won't let me log in (damn blogger beta).

electriclady said...

I'm so sorry for you and for M. Life is just fucking unfair.

Hope548 said...

So sorry Smarsh! Much love to you and M and the Buggins. I'm sorry this holiday season brings such pain to you and your family. You're both in my thoughts.
Take care!

seattlegal said...

I am so very sorry. You and your wife are both in my thoughts.

A.M.S. said...

It's all been said. "I'm sorry" just doesn't cut it.

Many hugs to you, M, and the Buggins.

Anonymous said...

I am praying for you and your family. I am so, so sorry.

--SoCo

Carol said...

darn. I am so sorry. this just sucks. this is where I wonder whether it would have been easier if it has just been a BFN in the first place. love each other. she needs you right now.

Erin said...

I'm so very sorry, Smarshy. I'm so sad for you and M, and for Buggins even though she doesn't know.

Bert said...

Smarshy,

I've only started reading your blog but you have every thought and prayer I have right now.

It can so hard and disempowering watching our wives through all of this.

I've commented elsewhere that it's the "phone calls" that I hate most - so many of them from nurses that try to care, but are still just voices, a wife at home or at her office, you at yours - this isn't supposed to happened through disembodied phone calls. We're supposed to be there, right beside them at all times, but it's just one more curve that we're forced to deal with.

Cibele said...

I am very sorry

soralis said...

I am so very sorry! Give your wife another big hug.

Thinking of both of you.

susan said...

Very disappointed on your behalf. What a shitty time of year for bad news. Hang in there.

OHN said...

I am comment #50--that should tell you that even us strangers out here are thinking of you!

M said...

I just found your blog and I'm really sorry to hear the news, especially before the holidays. Please know that many of us are thinking of you.

On a complete side note-- what interests me the most about your blog is that you are male...so it's interesting to see all of this infertility crap from a male's point of view. It's mostly us girls who blog about it.

Piccinigirl said...

Oh I am so sorry, I am thinking of you both and sending lots of cyberhugs up to you. I know there are no "good words" but I hope you know how bad I feel about your news, please take good care of each other and know that we are all here thinking of you.