Friday, November 03, 2006

Still Lacking Motivation

Hi everyone, thanks for your nice comments about the Buggins! I really appreciate it when people say nice things about her. I'm crazy about her.

I still can't quite bring myself to create a post of any significance. I originally started blogging because I thought it would bring me and M hope, but lately I think it's been having the opposite affect on me. It's making me feel hopeless. This is a community of people who I have grown to care about a great deal, so I feel each setback and negative event that befalls any of you acutely, as if it were happening to me. I would feel the positive events too, but there just seems to be a dearth of those. I'm not going anywhere, though. I'm far too involved in all your stories to disappear now. I just don't have much to contribute at this point.

I'm in shock over Kellie's news. If you haven't already, please visit her and offer a kind word.

M and I are still on the rollercoaster, and at every twist and turn she is screaming to get off the ride. The social worker we *have* to see together I'm sure thinks we're a couple of nutjobs.

The latest drama was that the box of fertility meds arrived, and when M opened it and saw how many shots and boxes of drugs were in it, she reacted literally as if she had opened the box and found a severed head inside. I was traveling that day, and I got calls on my cell phone while I was in a meeting and she was literally hyperventilating into the phone. She decided right then that the cycles was cancelled.

The next morning she decided she would try to continue the cycle.

That afternoon she cancelled it again.

Today its back on.

I'm going fucking crazy.


serenity said...

What I find the most inspiration from is that when the bad things happen to people, they somehow manage to survive and cope - and even find some hope again.

I am devastated by Kellie's news too.

This is a ridiculous ride. Honestly, Smarsh - the best thing you and M can do is just take it a day at a time. One little tiny step at a time.

Otherwise it gets too overwhelming.


Emmie said...

I feel your wife's pain. I hate shots and needles, and that big box-o-meds is mighty intimidating. If she can believe it, the shots really aren't that bad. I never, ever thought I would find them as painless as I did. I am a wimp normally about these types of things.

Good things do happen...I'm a success story at the moment. Still an emotional wreck, but a success just the same. This can work for you.

lola said...

lately it does seem as if we're hard pressed to find any good news in the land of infertility. it's as if there has been a cloud over so many of us in the past months. But there is hope and there are success stories, just not as many as we'd like to see.

The only way to really get through yet another cycle is to take it one day at a time. The rest is much too overwhelming for any of us. I hope that you and M are able to come to a decision that you're both ok with for this cycle.

Anonymous said...

OMG, I have to LOL over your wife's reaction to the medication. It is overwhelming but so worth it.

Hopefully, she will get used to the idea and stop cancelling the cycle! :)

And I'm sure the SW has seen worse.

Piccinigirl said...

I just wanted to say "hang in there"(not the most orginal thing to say, but the most honest) , I've never gone through IVF (at least not yet) and I am sure I will be overwhelmed when it's time and my husband will be looking at me wondering where his sweet wife went. Like everyone said, one day at a time is the only way through any of this.

Kristi said...

The meds box is definitely shocking! I had a very similar reaction. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. It does seem like we've had a lot of bad luck online lately. :(

gaelen said...

Hi Smarshy,

I know exactly how you feel about not having the motivation to blog sometimes. Writing used to make me feel better, but the more I wrote, the more the dates on my posts started to become constant reminders that this may take awhile. When we started on this IF journey, I didn't know anything that everyone else was blogging about. I had to look up acronyms; all the medications had strange and exotic names. But as we get deeper and deeper into the muck, I'm becoming more and more familiar with the exotic things that my IF sisters (and brothers) were talking about. It's comforting to chat with everyone, but it still saddens me that these exotic names have become commonplace. I wish I didn't have to know this much about infertility. So, I know what you mean about the hopelessness that arises. And yes it's hard to read about all the pain out there, too.

Hang in there. We're here for you -- and Mrs. Smarshy, too!

One Mother's Journey said...

You're going to look back on this time after Buggins 2 is born and remember the craziness with such affection. LOL. Well maybe not affection, but I know it's going to be worth it!

Thanks so much for your support and well wishes Smarshy - it means the world to me right now.

PS. Buggins was just absolutely precious in her custom! SO cute!

Kimmer said...

Hang in there Smarsh, I/you know how bad we can be nutjobs during all this shit...

The Buggins is a total cutie pie also!

Thalia said...

It must be such a difficult time for you both. I guess it's about trying to figure out whether the fear of a negative is worse than the pain of having buggins be your only child. Very very tough.

I'm not trying to be funny or anything, but has your wife tried meditation/yoga breathing etc as a way to cope a bit with the immediate panic of the ups and downs? I am totally not a meditation person but it has helped me.

Thinking of you both.

Becky said...

I wigged out before I started my meds and was very apprehensive--I think I drove my family/friends mad because I refused to be anything but neutral--no hope, because I knew what a huge risk we were taking and i was so afraid of that huge letdown. Now that I'm in it, I find that I'm incredibly positive-- I think it's because I'm actually doing something, and the decisions have all been made for better or for worse.
I don't know if the above is helpful-I just wanted to say that I know what your wife is going thru, sorta. Limbo is a horrible place to be. I hope that you and Ms. S can determine which way to go soon.

Anonymous said...

I flipped out over my box of meds. Usually mail packages are happy things- birthday presents, Christmas presents, stuff you bought. The Meds box is full of stuff that makes you feel miserable.

And in any given cycle I want to quit and I want to keep going. It is a terrible on-again-off-again cycle. I'm guessing your wife probably feels just as crazy as you do. And I'm sorry you both are feeling like that. It sucks. And I should know... I've been crazy for a loooong time.

candy said...

buggins is the cutest kangaroo i have ever seen!

as far as the on again/off again ivf relationship: you can't make that large a decision based on emotion. which is impossible in this case. it's scary. it's emotional. which is why i let my husband make most of the logical decisions during our IF, and once i heard him say it out loud i always agreed because i heard how much sense he made. most times i think IF is almost harder on the man, just because it's all out of his control. you're in, you beat off in a cup, you're out, that's it procedurally. my friends would always ask me how i was and imply that hubs had less involvement in the whole thing, and my response was always 'that must be so much harder.' but maybe i'm just a control freak and expect everyone else to be also.

i have no idea what all this has to do with your post, but it came rushing out anyway. sorry. i guess i'm just saying we're all nutjobs. so hang in there.

and my word verification is ifqyl, which to me looks like nyqil for infertility.

Anonymous said...


Have you seen Heather's post in response to this?