Sunday, November 26, 2006

Trigger Happy

Tonight's the night baby. One giant intra-muscular shot in the ass delivered by yours truly.

Final E2: 2364

At least this time the HCG shot is at a reasonable time, 10pm. Last time, it was at 2:30am and I spent the first half on the night awake for fear I'd sleep through the alarm and the second half awake wondering if I had stuck the needle in the right place.

Retrieval set for Tuesday morning, transfer 5 days later. We're doing ICSI or ICBM or CSI Miami or whatever it's called.

Another interesting day at the clinic. I met Lola, and this time she came up and said hi. She was in for her retrieval, so it was nice of her to spend a few minutes chatting with me and M when she obviously had a few things on her mind. I met her husband, too. Let me tell you, there are not many people who can make me feel short. I'm 6 foot 5 inches tall. Mr. Lola makes me feel short. Both Lola and her husband are awesome. Super friendly and nice to talk to. Buggins was there, and she was being shy and anti-social, but they were very nice to her.

Speaking of The Buggins, she made a MAJOR waiting room faux pas. You see, I was with Buggins in the hallway outside the waiting room, and M was in a chair in the waiting room, waiting for her turn to be poked and prodded. Buggins knew exactly where M was sitting, and would periodically escape my clutches and go running into the waiting room yelling for her mommy. I would run in behind her, scoop her up, and bring her back to the hallway. Multiple times.

Well, after a while, M was called in for her ultra-sound, and a woman sat in M's vacant seat. This woman happened to have similar hair, similar build, and the same coat at M. At one point, Buggins got away from me and ran back in the waiting room, and my one quick glance at M's old chair and I knew exactly what was going to happen.

Buggins ran up to this woman, who was alone and reading a magazine, grabbed her leg and yelled "HI MAMA!!"

Time seemed to slow down right then. The room went deathly silent (Oh, except for Lola's laugh...) I looked into the young ladies eyes, which had widened as if to say "No way did that just happen to me. No way did a little girl just run up to me out of nowhere and call me Mommy as I sit in the waiting room of an infertility clinic". Yes. Her eyes said all that.

I apologized to the woman and explained that Buggin's mom had been sitting in that seat before her. She smiled and we bolted out of there. A few minutes later, I noticed that she had switched seats, possible to avoid a repeat of that fiasco.

I hope that girl saw that as a sign from heaven that she would one day be someone's momma. Or at least I hope she thought Buggins was cute in her little snowman sweater.


Anonymous said...

I hope the trigger shot went well last night!

It was so good to talk to you and M & the Buggins! Please tell M that if she (or you) wants to ask me anything about the ER process that she can email me any time -
Do you know what Re will be doing your ER? My guess is the same one who did mine but I'm not sure when they switch. I'll be sending you lots of good luck tomorrow!

And for what it's worth, I don't think the woman that Buggins ran up to was upset about it at all. I think she was surprised at first but she smiled and looked fine after you left. It was really cute actually.

Anonymous said...

Good luck, Smarshy and Mrs. Smarshy!!! Like I said, I'm around this week if she needs ANYTHING at all...

spark said...

Hope the giant shot in the ass went well last night! Sounds like everything is going really well for you two - glad to hear it!

Good luck tomorrow!!!

mr blue sky said...

Heart in mouth moment,kids huh!!
Best of luck and glad to hear all is well.

Just another Jenny said...

Oh my, I can't imagine that momment with buggins. The postive side is that you were empathetic and she probably realized that. Good for you for waiting in the hallway.

soralis said...

I am with Jenny!

Good luck with the cycle!

K S said...

Oh Smarshy...This entry pained me so. I love your blog and I think the Buggins is the cutest ever and I'm hoping that this cycle is a big success for you and it's incredibly distressing to me to have any negative reaction to your blog.

As much as I hate to say it, I'm just shocked that you and M have *repeatedly* brought Buggins to a FERTILITLY CLINIC -- and especially horrified that you didn't keep Buggins away from other patients during M's last appt.

I'm an IVF vet and last month I miscarried the only pg I've ever acheived. I had to go to my clinic 4 times for betas to make sure that my hcg was going down. Do you know where I had to sit and wait for my betas? In the same waiting room with all the hopeful women who were in the midst of cycling. If Buggins had run over to me and said, "Hi Mama!" I have no doubt that I would have suffered a complete psychotic break.

I'm glad that the patient who received Buggins' innocent greeting wasn't upset, but in the future, please, PLEASE drop M off at the clinic and go sit in a Starbucks with Buggins until M is ready to be picked up.

Sorry for the sermon. I really am wishing you good luck on Tuesday.

SmarshyBoy said...

KS - point taken. I used to do that, but I guess I got lazy after watching so many others bring their kids into the waiting room itself - and these kids were not as well behaved (and not as cute) as my buggins. So i guess I figured if they can bring their kids into the waiting room, I can get away with bringing mine into the hallway. but you have a point, one I need to remember. Now that we've triggered, I hope we'll never have to go back there though.

Hopeful Mother said...

Best of luck with the retrieval. Sounds promising!

I have to admit that I'm a bit sensitive to seeing kids in the waiting room too - no matter how well behaved. Actually - the more well-behaved they are, the sadder it makes me. I have become more sensitive after having had multiple failed cycles and seeing what we so desperately want looking at us cutely and innocently in the waiting room can be heartbreaking.

I can understand both sides of this one... but I hope you don't have to worry about it ever again. If you do go back to the clinic, just please keep this in mind. Not telling you what to do, but giving you my perspective on things...

At any rate, wishing you and Mrs. Smarshy the best of luck with this cycle!

susan said...

It has never bothered me to see children at the RE. I don't want to be tiptoed around. Children are the reason we are all there anyway. In fact, I usually find them a lovely distraction from the suckiness of the whole experience.

If the Buggins had thrown herself at me, she would have been surprise to get a great big bear hug in return. :)

VanillaDreams said...

Who is to know how upset that woman at the clinic really was though? We are so conditioned by society to put on a happy, smiling face, that I'm not sure many people would let their REAL feelings and reactions show at that particular moment.

Furthermore, whether that woman was upset or not, I'm sure she wouldn't have glared at your child. She would, in most cases, have tried to hide any feelings she may have had. And if anything, if she was upset, she could have directed that towards you, as it was your responsibility to keep your child from bothering patients at the clinic.

If that had happened to me, I would probably be too shocked and affronted to even say or do anything. You know the phrase, "stunned into silence"? That is how I would feel if that happened to me. I would most likely look to my husband first, and the shock, horror, and hurt would show in my eyes to him. But if you were to speak to me, I would most likely accept whatever apology you might offer, and try and brush it off. Tears might sting my eyes, but as I said above re: the social conditioning, I would probably try NOT to burst into tears or anger in the middle of the fertility clinic. (who enjoys bursting into tears in public, anyway?) But it would be hard, very hard, and I would probably be very upset about it later, and probably end up in tears in the safety of my own car or home.

I just want to put this out there, because this women may have LOOKED fine after this happened to her (and who knows, maybe she was, perhaps she has four kids at home) but we cannot assume she was, just because of the social mask she was wearing at the time.

I cannot be as diplomatic as KS was above, so I must state my feelings on this subject bluntly: CHILDREN DO NOT BELONG IN FERTILITY CLINICS.

I know, I know -- there are MANY "arguments" surrounding this issue, and I'm aware of all of them, so let me just state how I feel:

1. You have no idea what is really happening with those patients. You could have women there doing their first IUI or IVF; you could have IVF vets cycling for the umpteenth time; you could have a woman in the middle of a horrific miscarriage (which would be me this time last year).

2. Seeing children in the waiting room does not give me "hope". (and imagine the word "hope" dripping with sarcasm) I'm not an idiot -- I know that IVF works, SOME OF THE TIME. I don't need to see someone's kid in a FERTILITY CLINIC waiting room to know that it works. All this tells me is that it worked for THEM -- God only knows if it will ever work for me, and seeing someone's kid at the FERTILITY CLINIC where my defenses are down and my emotions are raw and exposed is a SLAP IN THE FACE TO ME.

3. I've heard some people cannot/will not, whatever, find child care for their child/children for appointments. I understand that might happen occasionally -- who am I to argue with someone on this. However, what I will say is that should I ever have a successful, full term pregnancy, I WILL NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER TAKE MY CHILD TO A FERTILITY CLINIC, EVER. If I cannot plan out child care for the weekly/every other day appointments necessary for an IVF cycle, then I would POSTPONE my IVF cycle.

IVF patients are given a calendar of appointments BEFORE they start their cycle. If they cannot find a babysitter, neighbour, friend, relative, drop in day care centre for the appointments they know in ADVANCE that they will have, then I personally feel that people should postpone their cycle until they have childcare.

I know I would exhaust every opportunity available to me before I would expose my fellow IVF vets to that type of situation.

Furthermore, it's one thing where the woman HAS to take the kid with her because her husband is working or whatever and is not available -- but when BOTH parents are there, WITH the kid?!?!? WHY??? WHY, WHY, WHY?!?!? Obviously, that husband is available, and that being the case, they should either STAY HOME with the kid, or WAIT IN THE CAR, if it's really necessary for them to make the trip.

Oh, and even worse? I've seen and heard of multiple situations where the husband comes, with the kid or kids, stays in the waiting room with the wife the entire time, but when it's time for the appointment, DOES NOT GO IN!!! WTF!! So in those situations you can't even say the husband was there FOR the appointment's information, as he never stepped further than the waiting room!

4. I don't care if the child is well behaved or not, or if the child is cute or not. Either way, seeing that child in the fertility clinic waiting room causes me immense pain. Haven't I experienced enough?

5. Fertility patients, but IVF Vets in particular, have been through so much, seen so much, and dealt with so much, we should have ONE SAFE PLACE where we DON'T have to have children and babies in our face all the time. We are all dealing with these types of situations in our own lives, relatives with babies, people in the grocery store with babies or knocked up, Christmas parties, television, magazines -- everywhere we look, either someone is knocked up, or with a baby. Surely, a FERTILITY CLINIC should be ONE SAFE PLACE on the face of this earth where we can go for MEDICAL TREATMENT and not be slapped in the face with WHAT WE DON'T HAVE: a baby.

I wish you the best with your cycle, but I felt I had to say everything above as I'm at a particularly painful point in my life. I'm in the middle of the one year anniversary of the deaths of our twins, and all I have to show for the past year is thousands and thousands of dollars spent, a failed FET, and a blighted ovum/early miscarriage, on top of the loss of the twins last year. Oh yeah, and while most people cycle in laps around me, doing several cycles a year, I have only gotten to do THREE cycles in a year in a half. What I wouldn't give to just have the CHANCE of a pregnancy. We won't be able to cycle until next year sometime, probably not until February, IF we are lucky, and that pains me as well.

SmarshyBoy said...

Vanilla, that has to be the longest comment I've ever seen.

Look, I'm not going to argue with you, mostly because I don't really disagree with you in principle. But just as we don't know the exact circumstances of the woman in question, you do not know the circumstances you are railing against.

Your comment that you would never, ever, ever bring your child to a fertility clinic or that you would cancel a cycle if you didn't have child care made me laugh out loud. And not because it was funny. Because it is so naive.

For us, finding childcare is one of the most difficult things about IF. We have no family nearby. No one. The ability to plan and count on childcare comes and goes, like an ocean. To say something like "I will never bring my child to the clinic" or "I would wait to start a cycle until I have childcare" seems stupid to me.

Believe me. If my daughter is in the hospital, its because every CONCEIVABLE outlet for childcare has been exhausted. I can not tell you how many tears my wife has shed over the difficulty of finding child care for our daughter. More tears than she has shed over anything else, including the death of her father. And IF.

Why should my wife have to suffer through the waiting room and clinic ordeal alone, without me to comfort her, because she has a child?

Now I'm arguing, and I said I wouldn't. You may think I don't understand. I want to make the point that I think YOU don't understand.

Anonymous said...

A long term lurker... and this is my 2nd comment - guess I am no longer a lurker, huh??

As someone who had 6 miscarriages, I just wanted to say that seeing children and pregnant women near my REs office [two OB/GYNs on either side of it] was often the only thing that kept me sane. I was thrilled for their success and hoped it would 'rub off'.

Do what you need to do and what is best for your own situation.

It is up to the rest of us to worry about how it impacts us. Being sensitive is admireable - just often really HARD to actually accomplish. Just my two cents.

SmarshyBoy said...

Another girl - Please delurk more often. Your two cents are worth a whole dollar to me.

susan said...

As for the "one safe place" --that Vanilladreams thinks Fertility Clinics should be childfree-- I believe the only safe place is one's home. As for anywhere else that is a public domain, children should be welcome, in my opinion. Parents, women struggling with IF in particular, should be considerate and thoughtful but not apologetic for having a child and bringing it with them. I would have my child with me before I would ever have a babysitter even if that pains someone else.

Melissa said...

Good luck tomorrow! Hope the Mrs. has a pleasant experience and the BESTEST (did I just say bestest? think I did...) of outcomes!

theoneliner said...

man, I hate that there's strife in the IF community; (

I get both sides. I wish seeing children didn't bother me...but it does. Although, usually I can move past the hurt and enjoy their presence.

and I get wanting to be with your wife and no childcare. Unless you have family it is next to impossible to find decent child care at odd times. If you don't have family nearby you're pretty much left with twelve year olds who are generally only availible on Friday and Saturday nights.

Unless you live in my part of town...where b/c there are strippers there is 24 hour child care just like the blinking sign says. (can you imagine!)

I hate to see anyone upset....don't make me break out the guitar and strum "kom ba lord...kum bah ya..."

Anonymous said...

I hope everything went well this morning. Keep us posted.

VanillaDreams said...

It is the practice of some fertility clinics to have completely SEPARATE waiting rooms for people with children (complete with separate entrances and doors), or to ban children all together (complete with a sign on the door stating, "Please, no babies or obviously pregant women allowed.", or at other clinics: "We love children but we respectfully ask that you not bring them to your appointments.") <--- Those are actual quoted signs from fertility clinics.

I haven't read any more comments (if there are any) after I posted, but I wanted to underscore something. I normally wouldn't have commented at all because this issue has been discussed all over IVFC, et al for YEARS, (and frankly I AM tired of it) but it broke my heart to read KS's comment. In case it seems like I was just speaking at random and don't know what I'm talking about because I DON'T have a child: I am completely serious about saying I would "never, ever" bring my child to a fertility clinic waiting room. It is something my husband and I have discussed at great length as he is also disturbed by the concept of children in the fertility clinic. And I ABSOLUTELY would postpone or cancel my cycle if I didn't have childcare, or my husband couldn't stay with the child. Seriously. That is just my personal conviction regarding this issue. I feel strongly about this, similarly to how I imagine one might feel about.... drinking and driving, for one extreme example. I've never had a child to take or not take to a fertility clinic, nor have I ever drank alcohol and driven anywhere. However, I don't need to done have so, nor gotten a DUI or into an accident to say that drinking and driving is something I'll NEVER, EVER do. I feel similarly about bringing any child I might have to a fertility clinic. I just won't ever do it.

I'm not saying OTHER people should do the same, I am just stating what I would do in that situation.

Children in fertility clinic waiting rooms has caused me great pain, and it has caused other women I know great pain. Understanding this, I would never willingly or knowingly subject my fellow IVF Veterans to more pain, should I ever be so fortunate to actually HAVE a child to bring anywhere!

If I couldn't find childcare in the middle of a cycle, and it was too late to postpone anything, then I would go to the clinic by myself, and my husband would stay with the child. It wouldn't be the first time I've had to go to a fertility clinic by myself, for an appointment or for something as traumatic as a miscarriage. Sometimes my husband absolutely can't take time off -- it has been unavoidable. I even had to fly to Seattle without my husband for our FET in August, so, I do what I have to do in whatever situation I am presented with.

I wish that the "separate waiting room" concept was the case at ALL fertility clinics, as then there would be no issue for anyone. Sadly, that's not the case.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, Smarshy, you're cool as hell... but I gotta agree with vanilladreams and K.S.: it is ***devastating*** to see kids in the clinic.
The irony and the pain are just too much. At cafes, restaurants, laundromats, we can choose to walk out if we see the glowing, fertile family... but when you're STUCK in a waiting room, ironically trying to get what this other person so magically, luckily has, well, it's heartbreaking.