Serenity tagged me and now I have to list 5 things you don't know about me.
Serenity just moved over to beta. Should I do that? All I've heard are crappy things about it. But I don't want to be the only loser still stuck back in regular blogger. What should I do? I'm inclined to stay here, if only because Serenity has already used the "lighthouse" motif, and anyone who know me knows that I'm all about lighthouses, and now I can't use that without copying Serenity. What a quandary.
Ok, so 5 things:
1) Rent the movie "Without Limits", starring Billy Crudup and Donald Sutherland. I am the very first person you see in that film, right after the opening credits. That's me, walking through the parking lot with a tray of coffee. If you watch it, you'll notice I was kind of, um, LANKY. Not so much anymore. That was 10 years and almost 35 pounds ago. The fact that I could put on 35 pounds and still not be fat at all tells you what a skinny dipshit I was. I've since gotten a haircut too, thankfully.
2) Whenever I see my wife being incredibly sweet to the Buggins, or whenever I see her being a great mother or whenever I get the sense that I'm being a good father, I get overwhelmed with sadness that I have not been able to explain. I am working with a counselor who is helping me realize that at that moment, I am mourning the fact that I did not receive that level of parenting from my own parents. Literally, the baby in me is jealous of my own baby. Weird.
3) I believe that we bloggers are totally full of ourselves. This exercise if absolute proof of that, in my mind. Why would I think 5 things about me would be of any interest to anyone? Why do I think I have anything interesting to say? I know many of you say, and I myself have said, that this blogging business is all about getting feelings out and the therapy of sharing. I think there's some truth to that, but I mostly think we all just want people to read our shit and think we're funny/smart/interesting.
4) I got a bonus in March that changed my life. That's when M stopped working.
5) My mother is an alcoholic who lives alone, thousands of miles from any of her children. She has a sister who lives 4 hours away by car. My mother refuses help, will not move, and is combative and is filled with self-pity. She does not return phone calls and prefers to hang out with her friends during holidays instead of her family. I am very afraid something will happen to her and we won't know about it for days or weeks. Not so much because I'll miss her, but because of the horribleness of dying alone and no one knowing for along time. The horror that that can happen to someone, despite the fact that they had decades of a happy, normal life, raising kids, being married for 40 years. Then, to live a hermit life of an angry alcoholic and to die alone, it just shatters the idea of happy endings.