I don't know why this is affecting me so much today. It didn't really affect me much yesterday at all.
September 11th.
I realize most people took note of the anniversary yesterday. But yesterday I had nothing to say about it. But for some reason, for the first time, today I imagined having to call my wife from my office and tell her that my building had been hit by a plane, and that I was likely going to die. I can't comprehend it; it's too painful and the mere thought of it makes me sweat and want to cry. What would I say? Would I be brave and tell her I love her, and that I hope she would go on to live a happy life filled with laughter and love, and would I ask to speak to my 2 year old, and would I tell her that her daddy loves her? Or would I just cry and scream into the phone and pray that it was all a bad dream?
The fact that hundreds, THOUSANDS of men JUST LIKE ME faced that very situation is incomprehensible. My brain rejects it. It's too painful to think about.
I knew people who died that day. 2 people from my high school class, and an old friend's husband. I lost track of her before 9/11, and I last saw her at her wedding (to the guy who worked at Cantor Fitzgerald). I tried to get in touch with her after, but I couldn't find her. I know she was 6 months pregnant with their first child on 9/11. I also heard through friends that he had called her after the attack.
It's enough to literally make you insane with grief.
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I was more upset on the 10th just thinking about the 11th. I tried to post about it but nothing came out right so I gave up. I cannot imagine what those people went dealt with. September 11th is engraved in our hearts with pain.
It's just impossible to fathom.
The thing that has always amazed me more than anything has always been how calm everyone sounded in their phone calls. Calm, matter-of-fact, resolved. I know it was to keep their loved ones from panicing - I don't know that I could be that strong, I don't even know that I could have spoke.
And what would you say if you were the one receiving the call? It's just unbearable to think about.
It turns my stomach.
I had a REALLY hard time posting yesterday - I wanted to write a something that resonated with how deeply that day affected me, but didn't come out as cheesy. I am not sure it worked.
Such a senseless act of violence. I will never EVER understand why all those people died that day.
Yesterday when I was listening to the families left behind, and the phone calls from the plane that ended up in PA, I found it remarkable that they were able to converse AT ALL when they were in the midst of such fear and chaos.I am so proud of all of those people that I never met. I know I would never have the courage to place a call that in my heart I knew would be my last, it would make it too real.
The images from that day will chill me to the bone, no matter how many times I see them.
We will never forget.
It makes me so mad that there are theories out there that some of the 9/11 events didn't happen as reported. I can't find words.
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