I don't know why this is affecting me so much today. It didn't really affect me much yesterday at all.
I realize most people took note of the anniversary yesterday. But yesterday I had nothing to say about it. But for some reason, for the first time, today I imagined having to call my wife from my office and tell her that my building had been hit by a plane, and that I was likely going to die. I can't comprehend it; it's too painful and the mere thought of it makes me sweat and want to cry. What would I say? Would I be brave and tell her I love her, and that I hope she would go on to live a happy life filled with laughter and love, and would I ask to speak to my 2 year old, and would I tell her that her daddy loves her? Or would I just cry and scream into the phone and pray that it was all a bad dream?
The fact that hundreds, THOUSANDS of men JUST LIKE ME faced that very situation is incomprehensible. My brain rejects it. It's too painful to think about.
I knew people who died that day. 2 people from my high school class, and an old friend's husband. I lost track of her before 9/11, and I last saw her at her wedding (to the guy who worked at Cantor Fitzgerald). I tried to get in touch with her after, but I couldn't find her. I know she was 6 months pregnant with their first child on 9/11. I also heard through friends that he had called her after the attack.
It's enough to literally make you insane with grief.