Thursday, September 21, 2006

Thanks

My wife subscribes to a veritable crapload of magazines. I'm talking about all the "majors", like People, US Weekly, Town & Country, InStyle, Lucky, and Vogue, as well as some of the lesser know "minors", like Shop, Parent, Child, and some fucked up little mag called "Cookie". Oh, and then throw in about 2,000 catalogs that always seem to get thrown out before I can buy anything stupid. "Battery operated meat thermometer, anyone? How about a complete outdoor weather station?" Not surprisingly, the catalogs that I would never buy from seem to linger around the house forever. As I write this, my beer is using the July 2006 Country Curtains catalog as a coaster.

Anyway, I snuck home from work a little early today, and found myself lying on the couch with the Buggins who was wandering off into various rooms and bringing me back assorted treasures. Picture frames, a book about sailing, a random lego piece, and a wad of toilet paper she had kindly ripped off the role and took the time to dunk in the toilet before presenting to me. Needless to say, I react to each gift like it was the Hope Diamond.

I point all this out because one of the things Buggins brought to me was this magazine called "Cookie". I thought it was some crazy cooking magazine, but it turned out it was some kind of "family" magazine. So I flipped it open, and came across an article called Second Shot, which was all about Secondary Infertility. So I read it. Really, really interesting, and it validated alot of the feelings my wife and I have had about this process. There was alot of talk about how primary infertile people tend not to be able to feel any compassion for secondary infertiles, despite the fact that the feelings of loss and sadness are, psychologically, pretty much identicle in either situation. (Are you reading this, Maggie?) .

The article goes on to say that in some cases, there is one element of secondary infertility that is much worse than primary: this inability to find compassion. The inability to find anyone to validate the feelings of sadness, and loss. Most people think "Well, you've got one already...what are you complaining about?". That's right up there with "Just relax...it'll happen." It's dismissive. And it's infuriating.

The reason for my post, though, is to say that through blogging, and through this community, I don't feel any lack of compassion at all. In fact, I feel an abundance of it. You all have shared your experiences, and your wisdom, and your pain, and your joy, and it has helped us tremendously in finding our way through our own journey. M and I are very lucky to have this support and compassion from you. Honestly, just since we made contact with this little club, we have become much happier and much more understanding with eachother. That has had a profound impact on our lives.

From the bottom of our hearts, thank you.

16 comments:

One Mother's Journey said...

Everything you said is exactly the way I feel also. The support and understanding is just incredible. It's amazing how much you can get from total strangers.

Anonymous said...

I agree whole-heartedly. I shudder to think how I would have made my journey without a support group, even if it is one I've never met!

Anonymous said...

I'm reading it :)

I kinda feel like a shit for not having more compassion but I can't get through my own pain. Just being honest. But when I read how you take the gifts from your daughter like they were the Hope Diamond, I wish I could have my own little Buggins bring me stuff.

I hope the new citydoc works magic for you and your wife and I mean that with true compassion - I know how rotten I feel about primary infertility and while I dont think that secondary infertility hurts as much (just my opinion), It still must hurt. My fingers are crossed for you!

- Maggie

theoneliner said...

I bet you were reading conceive mag...I love that magazine.

I too, don't know what I'd do w/out the internet.

I still don't understand why it is necessary...or in any way helpful... to put people's pain in descending order?

OHN said...

Unless you have been where you are right now, nobody understands. At times my own family was the worst! You know, the ones that come up to you and say "I'm pregnant and we weren't even trying"....etc. I actually hated my wonderful SIL because she had the nerve to be pregnant and she had two adorable kids already~how dare she!.Infertility completely screws up the normal persons mind.

Hope548 said...

That's wonderful! I've found blogging to be a huge source of support too. Here's to hoping all of infertile blogland gets pregnant soon!

Have a great weekend!

fisher queen said...

To be honest, I've had a hard time with secondary infertility too, but reading the blogs of people who are going through it has helped me understand that infertility just hurts, no matter when it happens. I was dumb enough to think it shouldn't hurt the first time, so there you go, what do I know?

Only this: the blogworld rocks, and we are all so lucky to have each other. I'm glad this crowd has been able to help you both. I think one day, when my little one is safe in my arms, I might try to start a support group, or volunteer for Resolve, or something, just because I know how much this support means.

Is it weird to say *hugs* on a guy's blog? Probably. Maybe send them to your wife?

Krista said...

I am having a much easier time with this IVF than I did with the first for that very reason. Having a little club, a support network that not only is incredibly empathetic but also has so much knowledge, makes the journey that much easier.

I'm glad you are feeling it. I hope things continue to get better for you and your wife and I hope you get that baby that you so despartely want.

Alli said...

I started my blog when I was feeling so bad and (almost) immediately wrote about the worst of my experiences. It has been all wonderful from there - people have said things so supportive and helped heal places I had forgot needed mending.

You're right, SIF sucks. It's not related at all to how many children you may have. I wish it were that simple.

Great post!

serenity said...

awwww, smarshy - you just gave me goosebumps. you;re really a sweet man behind that "guy" facade. :)

good luck to you and M today at CityDoc- I am really really hoping that you guys find the answers you deserve.

*hugs to you both*

Leggy said...

Great post- I agree on the lack of compassion re: SIF IRL. In blogland, most are very sympathetic. We also have one child from IVF but subsequent attempts have been total failures. Good luck to you.

Just another Jenny said...

Isn't that sweet of you! I think alot of us have felt lack of compasion in the "real world" which has brought us to this amazing blog support group. The lack of compasion I get comes from our IF cause - vasectomy reversal. People have actually said that "I knew what I was getting into". I am glad you are finding the support you need because I certianly have no lack of compasion for anyone going through infertility, no matter where they are in the journey.

Heather said...

Good luck today with City Doc!

What the hell did we do without the internet? Suffer in silence? I'm so thankful for this community, and the message board community as well, it has gotten me through some of the worst experiences.

About Cookie mag...
My SIL gave me a copy, after she subscribed to it to get rid of frequent flyer points, who dresses their kids in $300 shoes and $500 shirts?

Sarah said...

[The article goes on to say that in some cases, there is one element of secondary infertility that is much worse than primary: this inability to find compassion. The inability to find anyone to validate the feelings of sadness, and loss. Most people think "Well, you've got one already...what are you complaining about?". That's right up there with "Just relax...it'll happen." It's dismissive. And it's infuriating.]

I think that sometime that's very accurate. I'm very lucky(?) in that, my sister experiences secondary infertility (is it still secondary, when you tried for years for the first one?), so being invested in her life keeps me from being dismissive to people in her situation.

My husband and I are approaching our 4 year mark of trying to conceive. Glad I found this blog. Thanks for it!

Anonymous said...

Smarshy how come I just found you! Wow, first of all how great to hear a husband communicating his view of IF and secondly, we are becoming secondary infertiles and I love this post so much, thanks for writing it - I am just now delving into the blogging world opening up my own blog for support as I try to give to others and its nice to hear you feel welcomed and validated because I so echo your feelings on "Well, you've got one already...what are you complaining about?" and I have so far found others to be really great, I look forward to reading your blog more when I am NOT at work :) good luck with your new RE, they sound great!

Anonymous said...

Smarshy how come I just found you! Wow, first of all how great to hear a husband communicating his view of IF and secondly, we are becoming secondary infertiles and I love this post so much, thanks for writing it - I am just now delving into the blogging world opening up my own blog for support as I try to give to others and its nice to hear you feel welcomed and validated because I so echo your feelings on "Well, you've got one already...what are you complaining about?" and I have so far found others to be really great, I look forward to reading your blog more when I am NOT at work :) good luck with your new RE, they sound great!