I have decided that today I will be throwing my brother under the bus.
Why? Because he BUGS me.
Any discussion of my relationship with my brother should start with the fact that I'm an insufferable Northeast Snob. BIG TIME. I can be a SERIOUS pain in the ass about it. I went to good boarding schools, a good college, have an MBA, lived in 2 major cities, I attend the theater, I have dated many women, all of whom were different and fascinating, blah blah blah, my wife is equally well educated and incredibly lovely. My daughter craps rose petals. I'm very fancy.
My brother went on a different track. Married the first girl he boinked at an ungodly young age, moved to the Midwest (NOT that there's anything wrong with that), and bought a house in a new subdivision in Ohio with no landscaping. I get very angry when I realize his house is literally twice the size of mine, and yet for the price I paid for my house, I could buy 3 of his houses. He has three great kids who I'm absolutely crazy about, and a basically loveless marriage with a woman I am not crazy about. He leaves the door open when he's in the bathroom. One time, I saw him mowing his lawn dressed in shitkicker boots, white tube socks pulled all the way up, jean shorts, and a white wife beater shirt. The image singed my retina. I literally went blind for like 20 minutes.
One time, when I was visiting him, he picked me up and the airport and as we were driving out in the middle of nowhere, I asked him what the hell there was to do there. His response: "Lots of things. For example, this weekend there is a BBQ Rib Eating contest, as well as other culture events".
Ok. Problem #1) There is such a thing as a BBQ Rib Eating contest
Problem #2) People are genuinely excited about it
Problem #3) It is considered a "cultural event".
That visit did not go well.
What I find the MOST frustrating about him is the the fact that he is such a nice guy. Seriously, he wishes harm on no one, with the possible exception of Osama bin Laden. He always just wants to help. There is not a mean, conniving bone in this kids body. For those of you familiar with the Garfield comic strip, my brother is Odie. EXACTLY. Just sits there, tongue out, waiting for me, the smart mean guy, to come kick him from behind. Why do I do it? Because he's just sitting there, grinning. Why not?
But that's all just mean-spirited background information. What pisses me off about him REALLY, I mean what REALLY PISSES ME OFF, is that he calls me, and calls me, to ask if M is FUCKING PREGNANT. Brother, if you are reading this, so help me God, if you call me again with that f'ing question, I'm going to stick a full rack of BBQ ribs up your ASS.
You called me the day after her transfer, and asked if she was pregnant. I patiently explained to you how the process works. I'm not entirely sure you listened to me. I think you may have been daydreaming about your tractor.
You called 2 days later and asked if she was pregnant. Again, I explained that it was a 2 week wait, not a 2 day wait. How the fuck did this guy get his wife pregnant 3 times?
You called this morning to ask if she was pregnant, even though I already told you her cycle was cancelled. Seriously dude, you should get yourself checked out. There is a wire in there that is just not connected. You made me get short with you as I explained the situation again. Then, you seemed HURT, and now I'm sitting here angry with MYSELF for being MEAN to you.
I tell you what: I PROMISE to tell you when and if my wife is every pregnant again. I PROMISE. I won't hide her pregnancy from ANYONE. It would be hard to hide at family gatherings. And eventually people would wonder who the extra kid was who was running around. I assure you, I will not FORGET to tell you.
Until then, let's talk about the key requirements needed to judge a world class BBQ rib eating contest.