I have to vent. I know my wife is going to read this and be super pissed at me, but this is really the best outlet I have.
I just don't get my wife's thought process. She is always BLAMING people for things. Follicles too small? The doctor screwed up and prescribed too low a dosage on the Follistim. Follicles too big? Or too many? The doctor screwed up by prescribing too much follistim. And she's always on the verge of quitting this doctor and going to another. "If my follicle is below 17mm today, I'm calling that other doctor..."
I know what she's doing. She's scrambling for some kind of control. And she's trying to find REASON where there seems to be a total absence of reason.
What the hell should I do? If I thought it would calm her down, I'd just agree with her. I've tried that. I still try that. Doesn't work. My agreeing with her is met with one of a few different responses: 1) "How can you agree, you can't begin to understand", or 2) "If you agree so much then DO something about it", or 3) continued ranting about the problem as before, just with added anger at me for no discernible reason.
So I say things that I think would be useful to ME, if I were in her shoes. Things like "Honey, let's just wait until the nurse calls this afternoon with more information before we go making big decisions. Let's try to relax". That ticks her off, apparently. And "Honey, we have to assume, not being doctors, that there are reasons why the doctors are making these decisions that we don't have the training to fully understand". Oh boy. That one really pisses her off.
So then she's pissed, and she's got this constant electrical charge of "pissed-ness" coursing though her body well after this particular conversation has reached its conclusion.
So we start talking about something else. Actually, she's talking about something else, like scheduling a dentist appointment for herself, and whether that might conflict with other appointments.
* Let me add something here. It's important to note that I would love nothing more than to never be included in conversations about things like scheduling her dentist appointment. My wife is one of those people who needs to talk things out, even the most mundane things, in order to clarify them in her own head. Whether the other person is listening, or helpful, or even alive is sometimes of little consequence. She just needs to talk it out. See, this is where I get into trouble. I can't just listen and let her talk. I don't have nearly enough patience for that. Never have. I want her to state her point, succinctly, and then shut the hell up. Same thing I want from every other person who speaks to me. I have a thing about efficient language skills. I can't handle conversations where people say the same thing over and over again. I almost always explode. Not only does this get me in trouble at home, by the way. It will probably be my undoing at work.
Anyway, here's how the conversation went.
Wife: Maybe I could get an appointment in the late afternoon, and you could leave work early to watch the baby.
Me: Yes, that's certainly an option.
Wife: Or maybe I could get an early morning appointment, say at 7 or 7:30, and you could go to work a bit later and watch the baby.
Me (*not sure why she bothered to say this; I just assumed in the first exchange we had agreed that I would arrange work schedule to watch baby). Anyway, I reply, "Yes, that's a solution too."
Wife: I'm just saying, for me to do this, I'm going to need some help from you.
Me: (*I lose it. Her response would be appropriate if I had been saying "NO" to the previous points, instead of "YES". AND, she is implying that I am not being helpful CURRENTLY). I reply "Didn't you just hear me say yes a couple of times? Why are you still going on and on???"
Now she's REALLY pissed.
**Clarifying edit: Please don't get the impression that I think that my wife is wrong and I am right. I certainly do not believe that, and the brief exchange above I think illustrates nicely what a total jerk I can, in fact, be.
Someone out there please help me. I know I am making mistakes. How can I calm this women down, and help her see this process for what it is: an imperfect, imprecise, ambiguous, chaotic, hellatious ride not for the faint of heart? And that that fact needs to be accepted?
How do I try to make her feel less alone without subjecting myself to a severe browbeating every day (deserved or otherwise)? I know she has crazy hormone drugs coursing through her body, and that may serve to explain some things (but don't you dare suggest THAT to her without protective eyewear), but beyond explaining, what do I DO about it?
** Another Edit **
The cycle has been cancelled. Follicles were not stimulated enough and she is beginning to ovulate. And I thought she was pissed BEFORE.....
More on this in the next post.