Sunday, October 01, 2006

Smarshy's Question Of The Day

Here's a straightforward and compelling question:

If you were told that the next time you took a, um...Bowel Movement, there would be a $500 bill rolled up inside your stool, would you go after it?

I mean, of course it would be able to be cleaned, etc. But the fact remains that you'd have to go in for it. Nay, SEARCH for it. And it was rolled up in a very, very small little ball. You would have to find some way to capture it, separate it, and extract your treasure.

(For those of you totally grossed out right now, I would like to direct you to the subject matter of your OWN blogs....thick cervical mucus, heavy spotting with clots... I mean, that's just NASTY.)

Now, back to the subject matter at hand. Where have I come up with such an insightful, engaging question, you may wonder? Because I currently find myself in this very situation, with a slight twist.

You see, on Friday I had a delicious piece of pizza for lunch. BBQ chicken, if you must know. M and The Buggins gave me their colds, so I wasn't feeling great and I could barely taste the pizza, but what I could taste was magnificent. If you ever get the chance to eat BBQ chicken pizza from my company's cafeteria, I strongly recommend you do so.

Anyway, I've also been struggling a little lately with a loose crown in the back of my mouth. Right side, bottom, all the way back. One of the big ones. A molar. One of the working teeth. The Mack Truck of the dental set. Don't remember when I got this crown, but somehow it got loose. They are NEVER supposed to get loose, by the way. But this one did. For the last 10 days or so, whenever I accidentally chewed with my right side, off it popped. I became an expert in slipping the sucker back on with no one noticing.

Why did I let it go so long? Because I'm not that smart. Also, because I have a dentist appt next week for a cleaning, so I figured I'd have him slap on some crazy glue while I was there. I hate going to the dentist, or any doctor.

Back to the pizza. I was savoring every last bite, while at the same time getting pizza grease all over my mouse as I surfed the web. When I finished, I cleaned my desk and turned to throw out my trash, when my tongue gently brushed up against a rather rocky surface where my nice smooth crown had once been.

I ate the freaking thing.

At least, I assume I ate it. It was there when I started eating my pizza, and it was gone when I was done.

So after I sat there with a stupid look on my face for about 10 minutes, I called the Dentist to ask how serious it would be to go the weekend without the crown. Not serious at all, they said. But then that's not all they said.

"Can you retrieve it?"

"Uh, no. I ate it."

"Yes, I mean when it emerges out the other end, can you retrieve it? We could of course completely sterilize it."

"Lady, there is not enough sterilizing solution in the WORLD..."

"OK, your choice. But if you can find it and bring it with you, it will save you about $500."

Whoa. 500 bucks. That would leave a mark on the checking account. I didn't fully realize that my problem was no longer just that there was no crown for them to put back on, it was that they'd have to make a whole NEW one, and that's not cheap. That was one F'ING expensive piece of pizza.

So I'm sitting here, still sick as a dog, on Sunday night pondering my next, um, move. It would likely show up in the next round, but it seems my digestive system has completely shut down out of sheer terror over what I'm contemplating.

Any suggestions?


Krista said...

I think your analogy with the $500 bill is a little off cause dude with some long rubber gloves and a mask that wouldn't be such a big deal. But..... BIG BIG BUT.... it's not the retrieving it that I would have the problem with, it's where they want to put it once it has been retrieved.

Good luck.

fisher queen said...

Ew. That $500 well spent in my opinion. Ew.

GLouise said...

Ewwww!!! LOL!

Agree with the fisher queen on this one.

Just another Jenny said...

Funny, I'd probably go after the $500 bill but I'm not so sure about the crown. I'm a thrifty Scot at heart so this is a toughy. I would have to say that because it's going back in my mouth, I'd probably leave it. Can't wait to hear what you do.

p.s. - your not the first to comment on the scarey MIL boobs. You should see them out of a bra, that's a site.

My Reality said...

You have fertility coverage, so I can only guess you would have good dental coverage, right?

I can't wait to find out how this turns out!!

Irshlas said...

Me and the man actually discussed this. FIND THE CROWN - $500 is $500. Of course, if you won't be able to get over the mental block once it's back in, just write the check now. No matter what though, you gotta let us know what you decide!!

Kris said...

I'd go for a $500 bill. But not if I had to put said $500 bill into my mouth afterwards... now mater how sterile it was.

Ali said...

I just peed a little. That sucks sooooo bad for you, but you have to admit it's a little funny.
LOL, I'm still giggling to myself. As gross as this makes me...I think I would actually go after it. Only because I am in NO financial situation to fork out $500 for a new one, but I'd probably make the husband actually dig it out.
Ew, so gross - but it's not like it's $50 or even $250.
I'm very interested to find out what you do!

Anonymous said...

hmmmm... the crown can be totally sterilized right? $500 is a lot of money. I'd definitely find the crown and give it a good soak, then boil it for a good 10 minutes in vinegar water. Clean as a whistle! $500 to spend on a new playhouse for Buggins.

Anonymous said...

OK I just asked my husband what he would do. His reply was, "I'd tell the dentist he better replace it for free because it shouldn't have fallen out in the first place!" Um, good point.

GZ said...

Two words. Ipecac Syrup.

GZ said...

No, actually, I just decided to say more than two words. You can get it over the counter at any grocery store pharmacy section. But you'd need to move fast!

It worked for my dog when he ate a chunk of metal. He vomited about 10 minutes later.

I really do think it would be worth a try!

Kaz said...

I would seriously lose sleep over this decision. Poor you.
Good luck and let us know how it turds out. Sorry, I mean turns out.
(I just couldn't help myself)

serenity said...

Oh man. I can't wait to see what you decided.

But that thing wouldn't ever go near my mouth again - sterilized or no.

One Mother's Journey said...

Boy, that SO wasn't where I thought the post was going...

I'm not sure what I would do. The adult in me says $500. is a ton of money to just flush down the toilet, so to speak. However, ewww.

So here's the big question - no matter what you decide are you ever going to be able to eat that yummy pizza again without, you know, "images" ?

I can't wait to ask my husband what he'd do!

Good luck!!

Beagle said...

Well, if you fish it out you'll have a story you can get a lot of mileage out of. But I am such a germ freak, the thought of it being a tooth part is a bit hard to swallow (Pun intended).

Good Luck!