Thursday, October 12, 2006


First of all, what's up with blogger today? I haven't been able to get on the site. Anyone else encounter that?

Ok, so I've been writing alot recently about how nice this little IF break has been for me and Mrs. Smarshy. She's been in a good mood, she's feels healthy and energetic, yadda yadda yadda, life is good. I missed her when she was in the midst of infertility hell. Well, I'm not the only one who is really happy to have her back. Not surprisingly, SHE'S quite happy to be her old self again. It's not just that she feels better now because of a break from fertility, either. She is finally free of a whole host of medical issues that I could go into another time. She had major throat surgery in March to fix a blockage in her trachea which made her last pregnancy particularly sucky. Then she spent a series of nights in so much pain that I kept having to take her to the emergency room. That ended with her gall bladder coming out. So she is finally feeling good right now. Better than she's felt in a long, long, time. Because of that, she told me something last night that I was NOT expecting to hear.

Mrs. Smarshy is thinking about packing it in. Closing down the baby factory. Boarding up her uterus.

She says she's been looking at the Buggins alot lately and thinking that life is pretty good the way it is. She feels as though if she goes through with more cycles, she'd be giving up another year and half of her life - either by being in IF treatment hell or by being pregnant and then a mother to a newborn - two experiences she could do without. Let me tell you, Mrs. Smarshy did not dig on being pregnant. It's almost become sacrilegious in our society to admit that, but it shouldn't be. She hated the bloating, and the heartburn, and the nausea, all of it. PLUS the complications from her screwed up trachea. And the first 3 months of the babies life aren't exactly a fun time, that's for sure. It's all a foggy, sleepless dream. It's no fun for the baby either - I mean, why do you think they cry the whole time?

So anyway, there it is. She's thinking about not continuing. Now, I have to be honest, I think she will continue. That's a huge decision to make, and I think she knows that you don't make it based on how you feel in an instant. You need to wait and see how you feel over a longer period of time. And she needs to make sure she won't change her mind 6 months later, after we've already pissed off the Dr. and gotten off the schedule and need to re-apply for insurance. Mrs. Smarshy may look 23, but she ain't. She does not have time to pack it in now and resume in a year or so. If she closes up shop, it's closed. No more shop. In fact, it would probably be razed to make a parking lot.

So this all leads me to ask, do I have any say in this? The truth is, I really don't. I WISH I did, but if a woman decides not to try to get pregnant through IVF any more, the husband really is just kind of left there with his dick in his hands. I mean I guess I have the same power, right? I could say I'm not jerking off into the petri dish any more. What could she do? But then again, that would never happen. No guy would pass up the chance to jerk off.

I think she's kind of "trying this decision on for size", to see how it makes her feel. I have to be honest, I would be incredibly sad not to have a sibling for the Buggins. I never imagined having only one child. But then again, we are incredibly lucky to have her. Maybe that's enough?

I don't know. The next cycles starts in a couple weeks, if she goes through with it. I'm assuming she will. We'll see.

Where do you all stand on this? Would you give your husband a vote if you wanted to cash it in?


spark said...

Good luck with whatever you (and when I say you I mean Mrs. Smarshy) decide to do. It's good to take the time to think about your options and then really feel good about whatever decision you do make.

My DH lets me drive most of what we do and I'm grateful for that.

And yes - blogger has been a PITA for me for the past two days - ever since I upgraded to beta.

smashedpea said...

Yes, I would give my husband a vote - and we've had similar discussions not too long ago.

We're sorta normal fertility-wise and I hope it's okay to comment here, 'cause for us it's also about having Number 2 and how he all of a sudden isn't so sure anymore.

I also didn't see that one coming.

I'm all in favour of women getting the determing vote on this, but I still think it shouldn't be a unilateral decision by either him or her. I'd never oops him, since I'd want us both to make the decision to have another kidlet and to live - happily - with the consequences.

And blogger is a mess. My blog seems to have been taken over by something called MorgaDOCTO.

And I'm new here, so hi :)

chloe said...

When I was first diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve we went to the infertility clinic free seminars which convinced me we needed to do IVF and convinced him we shouldn't do any ART.

Hubs was completely against IVF for a number of reasons (that have validity), and although sad about it, I respected it and we moved forward with the adoption process.

This year, I decided that I wanted to try IVF. I think seeing me sad for over a year (and we are still waiting for our referral) gave him a new perspective. Our IVF cycle didn't work and our next plan is IUI with injectibles.

I guess my point is, I do believe that the husband gets to have a vote - it's a partnership right? Maybe the husband gets a 40% say and the wife gets 60% since it is her body.

Hope548 said...

I agree that Mrs. Smarshy probably still has more thinking to do. I can tell you though from someone who has decided for the time being to forgo treatments, I'm much happier that way, and I don't even have any children yet. I still desperately want to have a baby, but right now I'm not willing to put my mind, body, and marriage through any more treatments. I keep it in the back of my mind, but treatments, as you know, are incredibly stressful, and I was a beast most of the time too. I don't like to be a beast. It's all worth it in the end if you get a baby out of it. Big if!

I have a different situation, my husband is cool whatever I decide to do, besides break the bank since our insurance doesn't cover it. He could live without a kid or he could live with adopting. You have really been going through this with your wife and you very much want a sibling for the buggins, so I understand why you're worried about this. Bottom line, in my opinion, though is that it's her poor body that has to go through all of this - treatments, pregnancy..., and if she's ready to call it quits, I think you have to respect that. That is my honest opinion. Would you want her going through a treatment half-hearted and only because you wanted it?

fisher queen said...

I think the fact that it is the woman who must go through all of this gives her vote a little more heft. My husband definitely gets a vote, but I reserve veto power. I would give him veto power if he had to go through the surgeries, the drugs, and hopefully the pregnancy, labor, breastfeeding, etc. This may not be politically correct to say, but I also think IF is just emotionally tougher on women than it is on men. So, yeah, I think it's a partnership, but it's an unbalanced one.

My Reality said...

Ultimately, you both have to make this decision. Mrs. Smarshy has been through a lot besided the infertility. Sometimes it is nice to just live your life and not have doctors prodding at you all the time. I hope you come to a mutual decision that is best for your family, Buggins included. You guys will figure it out.

On a side note, I have a few questions about life after gallbladder surgery. If Mrs. Smarshy wouldn't mind, could you have her email me at disenchantedreality at hotmail dot com.

Heather said...

If it were me, I would discuss it with my partner...I'm sure you two will figure out what is best for you both. Compromise is always best (in my experience, thus far - I have the right to change my mind later)

Katie said...

Blogger trouble here, too.

May I suggest for consideration that marital decisions don't involve voting, really. Marriage is not a democracy, with the majority winning. Who breaks the tie if it's 50/50?

Maybe marriage is more like peace negotiations. Conflicts, committee work, draft decisions, resolutions, crying, filibustering, yelling, not talking, more crying and maybe a little more yelling, rinse and repeat.

If you don't resort to war and divorce, you eventually stumble upon a decision that all parties can live with and, if you're lucky, makeup sex. No cigars or interns necessary.

Don't despair. It's not a done deal...yet. As you observe, your lovely bride is RELIEVED to be free of the STRESS. And that freedom brings the ability to enjoy what IS. She may change her mind a kazillion times.


susan said...

I think Mrs. Smarshy is a little "high" on feeling good and not being in the reign of IF tyranny. It is a high...being able to have a few drinks...not obsessing and running the doctor every couple days. It's awesome. Maybe she will keep feeling this way. Hard to say.

My hub gives me tremendous latitude with IF treatments and procreating in general. He has two teenage kids from a previous marriage so he is never going to be childless and leaves most of the decisions up to me. The irony is we are dealing with a recent onset of male-factor infertility and yes, this is a cluster fuck.

Rumour Miller said...

I think that you should get a say in what happens in your marriage. You are also right about not being able to "force" her to do something she doesn't want to do.

You both "read" as though you are really connected, in love, respectful of the other so I fully believe that the two of you will discuss this further and come to a conclusion that you both can live.

I personally rely on my husband's input for many things and sometimes too much. Good luck and may you both find peace with whatever decision that you reach.

royalyne said...

My husband has always been kinda ready to pack it in, not that he doesn't want to have a baby, but that he doesn't really care either way.

I know how Mrs Smarshy feels. We adopted dog #2 on Tuesday. I'm kinda glad we don't have a baby so I can spend at least a little time focused on the pups and maybe even some individual time with each to do some more training. How could I teach a 50lb German Shepherd not to jump while nursing an infant? I couldn't, and I'm ok with that.

But then again, it could be the second half of my cycle talking. The 2ww that so many dread and fret over. I don't fret, I actually have a tiny bit of hope during every 2ww, a random upswing in casualness and non-depression about TTC. So, the two weeks when I could be thinking about possibly being pregnant are the only sane two weeks I have. Once my period starts, it's back downhill and jumping my husband 3 times on ovulation day (happy husband, indeed), no thought about packing it in for me. But during this 2 weeks, I'm thinking maybe I could handle that.

I hope that Mrs Smarshy makes the best decision for her, without regret.

Hmmm, no more dirty words in word verification, sad me.

serenity said...

If it were me, I would want J to discuss openly and honestly how he felt on the issue. This is a decision you BOTH should make, particularly if it's one that will require the both of you to work through grief/thoughts/changes in expectations.

I think that you're right - Mrs. Smarshy is trying the decision on for size, and it's not something she would do on a whim. And I feel very strongly that you DO get a say in all of this. Just like the decision to have more kids, the decision NOT to have more kids is something that the both of you should be involved in.

I am so glad that Mrs. Smarshy is enjoying her break. :)

Krista said...

Maybe the reason she brought it up out of the blue last night was to hear your vote. You said she said she was thinking about this, not that she had decided.

There isn't really a way to bring it up to you without telling you how she was feeling and why. I am sure she would never make this decision without hearing your side.

And to play devil's advocate, I do believe that you have posted in the past about how you missed your wife and hated what this process was doing to her. I believe you even questioned whether all this was worth it when she seemed to be missing out on what you have. Maybe she is just thinking along those lines too. After all if you add up a couple of cycles and 9 months of pregnancy, the Buggins would be almost 4 before Mrs. Smarshy would feel like herself again.

Hopeful Mother said...

I agree with the others, I think Mrs. Smarshy is trying the idea on for size and looking for your feedback.

I can understand the euphoria felt when "taking a break" - no awkward RE appointments, no injections etc. It is heaven!

But would I trade it all in for never having a chance at a baby? NO WAY.

I think you two should make this decision together, and I'm sure there are moments when you won't agree. That's normal. You'll figure it out, I'm sure.

Anonymous said...

It's a delicate negotiation. I don't think either party should be entirely left out.

I would absolutely want to hear Mr Bea's honest thoughts on the matter, whatever they were.

Maybe I still feel the final decision is with me - my body, my risk - but I would hate to think he was saying something I wanted to hear, or not saying something he thinks I wouldn't like. In the end, I am swayed by a desire to give him what he wants. But I am also able to balance the risks and benefits, and not feel pressured or resentful about the choices that follow.


soralis said...

Blogger was seriously fouled up this morning! Seems to be OK now!

I hope you and your wife are able to come to a decision together. I think sometimes it just seems easier to throw in the towel instead of keep fighting the evil infertility beast. Good luck

Hoping For A Baby said...

Actually, I did give my husband a vote in it. He wanted to try IVF. I wanted to go straight to adoption. But after lots of serious discussion (meaning, me asking him if he REALLY knew what was involved and what might happen to me AND him as I started pumping drugs into my body and turned into someone other than the woman he married), I agreed, reluctantly, to try IVF. Well, we are now doing our first IVF cycle and I'm so glad I agreed to try it. Yes, I've given up alot, but this is the biggest joint venture that my husband and I will ever try and so far, he's proven to be so much more supportive than I ever thought he would be. Sounds strange, but in many ways, IVF has made our marriage stronger. It has solidified for me why I married my husband.

candy said...

man, katie you are absolutely right! there's no vote! that's just crazy talk.

in our 3.5 year infertility madness, we talked everything out and just naturally agreed on it all. maybe we're lucky, but i guess i assumed that's how marriage works. neither of us ever felt like we let the other talk us into anything or make a decision we didn't agree with. it might be my body, but it sure will be his kid if my uterus ever works, and i would say that's a joint decision.

i'm not good at making a point, so i'll stop talking now. i'm glad you've got your wife back. enjoy her, however long it lasts.

rachel said...

Sure you get a "vote" in the sense that you should be able to talk in detail about how you feel and why. But at the end of the day I guess either one person has the power of veto. If one of a couple says "no more" and sticks at that, then there's not too much to be done.

That said, I think the reason why is important. If it's primarily emotional - wanting to chill out and enjoy life rather than being on that godawful rollercoaster, then maybe you need to think about how she can feel more relaxed while still actually on the rollercoaster (and if you do figure this out, please tell us all!!). But if its about not wanting to physically go through IVF and pregnancy, then ultimately there's no way round that. Only she can do that and if she just can't face it, it's really her call.

I suspect you're right and she will change her mind some more. I have days where I think "enough, let's just enjoy the child we have", days where I think "let's start adoption proceedings now" and days where I want to be pregnant, give birth and bond with my newborn so much (yeah, I loved all that stuff) that I think "Whatever it takes. Bring it on". From reading blogs of people who make the decision to give up, I think there's a gradual realisation that the "enough" days are outnumbering the "bring it on" days and the decision becomes ever more final.

KIMMER said...

I would definitely give my husband a vote, even though sometimes I wish my husband would just put his foot down and say enough...
But, no amount of money we've spent will matter in the end if this works for us.
Mrs. Smarshy might just being trying it out/on. I hope you both are able to reach a decision together.
Can't blame her for deciding not to move forward though(if she does), because let's face it, it's not one of the most fun things in life to go through.

One Mother's Journey said...

Maybe it would help to sit down and discuss exactly how much more you're both willing to do. Everyone has their limits - what they "won't" do - how much more they can handle. Sometimes seeing a light at the end of the tunnel is enough to get you back on track, even for a little while.

It is definetly a decision for you both to me together. If it's not made together I think the chances for resentment and bad feelings are way too great to risk.

If she's seriously talking about closing up shop - knowing full well how painful that choice is for her to make...imagine that continuing, for her, at this point is more painful. It just sucks. Your feelings are valid too though so don't get lost in the process. You count.

I hope you both get what you want. It shouldn't be this hard...

Lara said...

Hubby'd get a vote, that's for sure, but I think I'd probably get 2 considering all that I would have to go through if I did go through with it! Good luck, I hope it all works out! :)

Piccinigirl said...

Of course Mr Kir gets a vote, this is his life too. I know that if I said "I just can't do this anymore", he would tell me "we can try again...just once more" and I would listen , I would care that he wants a child. The same would happen if he wanted to pack it in or not spend the money for IVF, I would tell him what it meant to me and to him...
I think that Mrs Smarshy is just trying to get herself ready to try, because what if it doesnt' work and she has to start from "there " again? I know that feeling, I know how it feels to be at a place where I might want to just cash in. I hope that both of you can decide and that only good things happen .