Monday, October 02, 2006

You Sickos

I find it interesting and noteworthy that the day I got the most traffic, had the most pageloads, and received the most visitors since I started blogging was the day I wrote a post about poop.

I have written insightful posts about comparing infertility to sci-fi movies.

I have pondered the point at which IF should be cast aside in favor of a happier present.

I have shared pictures of my wife and The Buggins frolicking in the sandy dunes.

But all of those wonderful, intelligent posts COMBINED did not garner the level of attention that my fecal exploits did. And for that, I am truly humbled. The say sex sells. I know what sells more than sex. Poo.

Now, preamble aside, let's get to what you all really want to know. What did I do about the poop.
I did more soul searching regarding this one decision than I did over whether or not to propose to my wife.

I knew in my heart, and in my mind, that clean was clean. And look, dogs EAT their poop, for Christ's sake, and their mouths are cleaner than ours. So for me, it wasn't a decision based on fact. It was a psychological decision. "Will my wife think of it every time she kisses me?" "Will I EVER, TRULY be clean, if one of my teeth has been lodged in poop?" "How the hell will I actually retrieve it without puking?" Much tossing and turning.

I decided to go for it. In part, what prodded me in this direction was the knowledge that M has to get a mouthguard because she grinds her teeth. Insurance doesn't go near it. The price? $500. So the question remained, how could I capture my crown in the least painful way? Susan noted the problem...I could not go in the toilet. There's a little hole in the bottom of the bowl that a little crown could easily get lost in.

So I thought long and hard about this on Sunday. As I mentioned, my digestive system had shut down in terror. It was clear to me that I had at least until Sunday night or Monday morning to make the decision.

I came up with an idea:

The Buggins has this perfectly good Elmo Potty, and God knows SHE'S not using it.

Now, before you split your sides thinking about a 6'5" guy trying to sit on a baby potty, please note the green bucket insert in the middle. I simply took that out, placed in the regular toilet, and did my bid'ness.

I put on the mask I stole from the OR when the Buggins was born. I knew that thing would come in handy some day. I decided that first, before I started slicing and dicing, I would take a cursory look over the entire exterior just to see if maybe, by chance, my crown was visible without me having to dig too much.


There it was.

I quickly extracted it, washed it with soap and water, and put in it a ziploc bag. I popped the bag in my briefcase and bounded up the stairs where I woke up M with the happy news "I GOT IT!" I forgot that it was 5:15am. She was not nearly as excited as I was.

So anyway, I got dressed for work with an extra spring in my step, and headed of to the dentist. When I got there, I handed the hygenist the baggy and proudly exclaimed "I may have swallowed it, but I found it!!".

She had no idea what I was talking about, but her eyes betrayed her. She was totally grossed out. She went on to explain that she was out in Friday, and the good doctor, who I never realized was Jewish, was OUT OF THE OFFICE today. Yom Kippur. You think someone maybe could have mentioned that to me on Friday?

The hygenist did my cleaning, and informed me that the tissue around my missing tooth was very inflamed, and she would not be comfortable putting the crown on without the doctor. She said there was a chance he would have to cut away some of the tissue. Super.

So, I sit here, still missing a molar, which is now residing in the sterilizing machine at my dentist in the city. My instructions to her: "Sterilize this like you've never sterilized anything in your life".

Appt with the doctor scheduled for 7:30am tomorrow. I look forward to this little chapter being over, so I can focus my attention on seeing how many hits I can get by writing about thick cervical mucus and spotting with clots.


Hopeful Mother said...

OK - so I do love the idea of a 6'5" male sitting on an Elmo potty. Call me crazy.

The best $500 you never spent. Try not to think about it.

theoneliner said...

I love it. too funny. I think you're getting so many hits 'cause this is so damn funny.

i'm glad this chapter in your life is almost closed.

chloe said...

True - I haven't commented on your blog before (but have lurked some)and also true, I had to have my husband read your question of the day.

I have to tell you - I wholeheartedly agree with your decision! I told my husband that if it was him, there wouldn't have been any debate about it - he would be pooping in the bucket, gloving up and looking for the crown.

With ART costing so much, $500 is a lot of money!

Proud of you! You sucked it up and showed what kind of man you are! =)

My Reality said...

Congrats!! I am glad you didn't have to dig too much!

And just so you know, you want your cervical mucous to resemble egg whites, that means you are most fertile. ;)

Anonymous said...

I haven't laughed this hard in months. Friggin' hilarious. I am so glad I found you.

Irshlas said...

You are now my biggest hero! It takes a real man to do a job like that. We are truly humbled :-)

Kris said...

You're right. Clean is clean. But I have to say, if I knew you in person, I'd be inclined to laugh my butt of from now on any time you declared something tasted like... er... poo.

Mony said...

I heard your Midwest Bro laughing from here.
He may well mow the lawn in a wife beater singlet...but when you compare that to going potty & excavating your own faeces? Smarsh...that's taking culture to a whole new level.
Great Blogging material! I might go swallow a diamond.

Ali said...

I am actually crying, I'm laughing so hard!
I knew you'd go for it, but it would take a real prude not to hunt through their poo for a $700 prize.
You just made my night, now I just hope I don't dream of digging through fecal matter!

Thalia said...

You're a better man than I am. Oh, wait, I'm not a man at all. Well, I wouldn't have done it, but congrats nonetheless on savign your $500.

Meri-ann said...

That's just wayyyy too much for me, the mental pictures I'm getting are frightening!!

serenity said...

Honestly... that is WAY more information than I ever really wanted to know about you. :)

But I am laughing my ass off nonetheless!

I am glad that we can go back to talking about things other than your poo. :)

One Mother's Journey said...

Good for you!!

Well, you might be happy (or a little weirded out) to know that your little dilema was the topic at our dinner table last night - much debating was had. In the end, we all agreed - clean is clean.

Glad it's almost over for you.

Gil said...

Just de-lurking to tell you how thrilled I am that you dug for... err... um, FOUND your golden treasure! And I hope that dentist appointment goes well, save for the mental imagery! Hey, $700 is $700 and it's nothing to shake a stick at! Good on you, but let's hope you don't have to do this again anytime soon!

lola said...

Ok I've been gone for a few days and am just now reading about your - um - adventures. I wish I had some funny, snarky comment to make but I can't think of anything because I'm laughing too damn hard.

fisher queen said...

I am so grossed out. I really didn't believe you were going to do it! The kiddie pottie- I have no words. Freud would love you!

Thanks for the laugh!

Hope548 said...

You are a funny man. I'm glad you didn't have to dig for it!

Treggles said...

I knew you could do it, and I knew you would. Top marks.

ms. c said...

Wow, Smarshy... I am thoroughly impressed with your dispaly of enthusiastic thriftiness.
Way to go!
(and thanks for the laugh!)