Yesterday was like 3 days long. It was truly a day I'd like to forget. Surely there are worse days, and my bad day in no way can compete with days that include a BFN, or a car accident, or anything of that sort. It was just a bad day.
It all started when we had to meet the "social worker". As part of our treatment, M and I had to sit down with a counselor to talk about all the various IVF related issues and how they affect us. She claimed she was not a gatekeeper in any way, and that she was not an "obstacle" we had to clear prior to beginning our cycle, but I think that was bullcocky. She wanted to make sure we weren't crazy people.
Counseling sessions with couples are really really hard. That was my first experience with it. I did NOT like alot of the things my wife said. Everything really came out into the open. That meeting really put me in a funk. Turns out, we have some serious issues. The social worker pretty much insisted that we go back and see her regularly, like once a week, until we can start to clear some things up. So I've got THAT going for me.
Then, as we were leaving the session, seething and angry at eachother for all the crappy things we said, M's cell phone rang. It was the Buggin's pre-school. Apprarently there was a really foul, unusual odor in the building, and even the fire department did not know what it was. So they had to evacuate, and all the kids needed to be picked up IMMEDIATELY. Well, guess what? M was in BOSTON, with me, and it would take a good hour to get to the school (we had to fit the social worker appt in during the 3 hours Buggins is in school). So it was cold out, Buggins did not have a warm enough jacket or gloves, and she was stuck in the frigging PARKING LOT waiting to be picked up. So M totally lost it. She felt as though her baby needed her, and she wasn't there, instead she was in the city focusing her attention on making another baby that doesn't even exist, and meanwhile her little baby that DOES exist was shivering in a parking lot. So it was clear to me that M could not make the drive from Boston to our town, given that she was sobbing and convulsing. So I drove her most of the way there, until she was calm and composed, and then dropped myself off a train station so that I could get my ass BACK to Boston and to work finally. M picked up the Buggins, who was having fun with her teachers in the parking lot. She was just fine, except her little hands were cold. They never did find out what the smell was. I suspect Buggins just let one fly; she does that from time to time and it really is pretty noxious.
So then, after they were home safe and I was at work, M and I got into a RIP ROARING fight on the phone about stuff that was said to the social worker. She hung up on me, and I called her back. I hung up on her, and she called me back. Yeah. One of THOSE fights.
But, the truth is, after we got through the fight, we were in a pretty good place. We understood eachother alot better than we did before, and I think that fight was good for us. We had a babysitter lined up for last night (it was parent teacher night at pre-school, but noxious gas cancelled it) so we decided to keep the babysitter and go out for a nice dinner. I'm glad we did. We are much better off now than we were before meeting with the social worker, but the journey was BRUUUTAL.
Anyway, it's sunny and it's Friday and things today are pretty good. So I have THAT going for me too.
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16 comments:
Now that's what I call a crappy day.
J and I have had some of THE WORST fights of our relationship over IVF - it's so hard to get two different people onto the same page, especially when all these decisions need to be made.
I am really glad that you both got it out into the open - now you can actually work through it, instead of just tiptoeing around it.
Glad today is looking better for you!
I find that my husband and I need to have ginormous fights every once in a while, just to remind ourselves that we still love each other. I can't imagine how we'd fight over IVF, we scare away the mailman when we're just fighting over ovulation. Who needs a therapist?: scream, hang up, repeat.
Date night is good, you should keep it up.
OMG, I hate that song so much, I actually laughed when I read it!
What a shitty day, and I totally empathize. I have never been to therapy, but I'm not saying that The C and I couldn't use it.
Sometimes the rip-roaring fights are necessary, too. The fact that today you are feeling pretty good, and that you had a date last night shows just how strong your relationship is.
Nothing comes easy, eh...
I'm sorry to hear that so much crap came out, but better out than in, as they say. Sounds like you ended up in a good place.
Ok, here’s things I think about related to IF, Social Workers, differences, and emotions:
1. men and women are different – and this IF process is different for both partners (we already all know that, though)
2. it’s an emotional process (WAAKTT)
3. some of the feelings (ok, more than some) of either side aren’t always expressed to the partner
4. sometimes these include anger, frustration, resentment, guilt (WAAKTT)
5. sometimes the verbal expression of these stings really hard
6. sometimes it even stings the person feeling/expressing them when they here it out loud
No matter what, I always tell my ‘M’ that if you feel it, it’s real. Do not deny or suppress your feeling, even if it is just a fleeting feeling. You FEEL it for a reason.
i mean 'do not deny or suppress or dismiss your feeling to yourself' - you don't HAVE to express it, that's up to you. it's your feeling. but own it and feel it, and hopefully, try to make sense of it, or try to understand it.
Sounds like your marriage was a little constipated and the session with social worker was the suppository. Lots o' sh*t later, you're feeling MUCH better. Wahoo for you!
At least you are clearing the air now...my husband waited about 20 f***ing years to have a meltdown and tell me how hard our infertility was on him and that he was considering divorce at the time. Yep--I never had a clue...this all came exploding out of him during a minor disagreement about housecleaning. Infertility can make anyone crazy--keep talking HONESTLY to each other and somewhere down the road you won't have a crazy fight about something in your remote past!
Ugh! Sounds like a really bad day. :(
I don't think I'd want to enter into counseling at this point. I have emotional walls up all over the place -- making a nice cozy little psuedo-happy place where I exist right now -- no need to be messing with that can-o-worms at this point. :)
Glad you're in a better place now and hope you have a great weekend!!
I remember my husband giving me some weird looks during our couples session. I'm glad the day ended well, even if the rest of it was a shitter.
Give yourself some credit: you kept it together enough to drive, you did go back to work so da bills get paid, you did make it right with a date night and the Buggins was OK. (The image of her clearing an entire building with her noxious gas is a hoot!)
I'd be thrilled if that much good came out of one of my crappy days. If my husband got as overwrought and emotional as I do, we'd be in serious trouble. We've agreed to check in with each other once a month about our feelings, blah, blah... mostly about if we'll move on to adoption.
Deep purging of all the crap in your marriage is never fun in front of a stranger. Kudos to you for not shrinking from it here.
Rip roaring want to get divorced fights. Just one of the many joys of IF.
Perhaps they thought we were a lost cause, but they didn't have us do counseling at all... I'm sure there are lovely things about my level of anxiety though written in my file.
Hope things are better now. And glad you got to meet up with Serenity again.
Man that sucks! I am glad you guys are in a better place now.
Take care
Fights can be so therapeutic. I'm glad you had a really good one. Seriously. Of course, I can only say that in the light of your "happily ever after" ending... although I understand that might still be a few counselling sessions away... but it seems like you'll make it through. Argue on. (Intermittently.)
Bea
Just de-lurking to say I hope you'll come back and tell us how things are going. I've been reading your blog since you began it and am feeling rather fond of you and 'M' and the Buggins.
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