Tuesday, October 17, 2006

I Really DON'T Get It

I hate to cannibalize my own posts, I really do. More than one post in a day and you're just stealing readers from your other posts. But I just had to get something off my chest here.

You guys all seem to think I "get" it. That M is "lucky". M might be lucky for other reasons, but let me be brutally honest about something: I DON'T GET IT!

I DON'T understand why M has descended into the far reaches of hell before her cycle has even fucking STARTED yet!! And some of you are right, I didn't win any points for that post, alot about it pissed her off. But I'm not TRYING to win points here. This blog is not designed to be a "points gathering" vehicle. I'm trying to be honest and blog about the fact that I'm PISSED that my wife is such a total freaking basketcase, and that I DON'T understand why she reacts the way she does and that I think a positive attitude every now and then WOULDN'T kill her.

I'm convinced all your husbands feel alot like me. If there is anything I "get", it's how to recognize and articulate my own feelings. But just because your husbands may not be able to find the same tools to describe them, doesn't mean they don't have the same feelings! The husband who says "try to relax, it could still happen on its own" is trying to HELP! It may be clueless, but at least he's not saying "Screw you, go clean yourself up, put something frilly on, and go make my dinner"!!

If you guys are sensing some frustration here, you're right on track. I just had a fight with M over the phone. Not about the blog, or anything like that. It wasn't even a fight. It was M yelling about how she hates doctors and hates her friends and isn't sure she wants to even do this anymore and I'm holding the phone 2 feet away from my head and I can STILL make out every last word she's saying.

You ladies all treat eachother's blogs with such respect and non-judgment. How will you treat this? Maybe I'm hanging out in the wrong room. Maybe I need to find a community of clueless but well meaning guys who want to have conversations like this:

Clueless Guy #1: So what'd your wife do now?
Smarshy: I don't know. Threw some fucking fit about some awful shit she has to do in a couple weeks. It's bad.
Clueless Guy #1: Why'd she throw the fit today then?
Smarshy: I have no fucking idea.
Clueless Guy #1: Huh. Weird.
Clueless Guy #2: Why does she have to do all this bad stuff?
Smarshy: She wants another baby
Clueless guy #2: Oh, so she has elected to do all this stuff? She really wants to do it?
Smarshy: Oh yeah. She's just not sure she wants to do it.
Clueless guy#2: Huh? What? My head hurts
Clueless guy#1: If she's so bent out of shape, why don't you tell her to relax, and that everything will be ok?
Smarshy: I tried that
Clueless guy #1: And?
Smarshy: She punched me and started screaming and ran upstairs
Clueless guy #1: Huh? What? My head hurts
Smarshy: Is there a game on?

When I see you write comments to me about how much I get it and everything, I feel like a fraud. This makes no freaking sense to me. NONE.


Hope548 said...

You shouldn't feel like a fraud. You're just getting your feelings out like we all do on our blogs. Hell I don't even understand why I act the way I do. We're just affected by the stress and harsh reality of it all. It's frustration and anger plain and simple. We all know what that is. You don't have to "get it" you just have to be there for her, and it sounds like you are!

Hang in there!

GZ said...

I gotta say in defense of your wife, (and um, all of us, really) if you think UMW is miserable for you, just think how bad it must be for HER.

I know for me, 22 months of dissapointment is hard to take, and it makes me a little (lot) cranky. It's hard to be the happy, laughy, fun girl I was when we were first married. If I could I would. Because you DH's are not the only ones who miss it. I promise.

However, Smarshy it does seem like you are a little more INVOLVED and perhaps even less apathetic than many bloggy-husbands.

ms. c said...

Oh MAN, Smarshy. I don't even know where to begin.
Let's try this: you are hanging out in the right crowd. We like you here. We LOVE your perspective. Your feelings? You areticulate them so well that sometimes you have me wondering if you really are a man. (joke, people, joke.) I think you say what is on your mind, as well as what is on many of our partners' minds. (There have been more than one ocassion when my husband has read your words and been like: ya man, that's how I feel, only he could actually SAY it.)
All that being said...
As GZ pointed out, if you don't like UMW, imagine how M feels about turning into UMW. Take your pain and frustration and times it by, like, a million. We don't like acting this way, but sometimes we just can't stop. Everything upsets us. Nothing is right. There is little to make us feel better.
Your letter to HFW was touching because it shows how much in love with M you are. Of course you want HFW to stick around, but she can't, and it's saddening. Your letter was touching because you voice not only how hard IF is on you as a dad, but also as a husband, and M's main support person.
IF is bullfuckingshit. Life is not supposed to be like this. We feel like failures, like we are broken, like we are letting our partners down. This weighs on us every minute of every day, and we can't get away from it, no matter how hard we try.
Why is UMW already rearing her head when she has nary a hormone in her body? it's the anticipation of what's to come. It's thinking about the shots, the stinging, the bruising, the bloating, the poking, the prodding, the driving into the city, the waiting for the phone calls, the waiting for the follicles to grow, the waiting for two weeks, and the possibility that all that may not yeild the product that we so desperately want.
UMW is not pretty. But it is the means to an end.
I had a conversation with my husband last night telling him that I know what a freak I am when on certain meds. I know it's difficult to like me in these times. I asked him to please not stop loving me, that I am doing the best that I can under the circumstances. I told him that, in the ugliest times, if all else fails he should just hold me tight and be sure to show me how much he loves me.
You aren't a fraud. IF makes absolutely no sense.

(sorry, Smarshy... this has turned into a novel...)

serenity said...


Look, it's OK that you don't get it. WE - women who at one point or another have ranted like M did today - don't get it either. Really.

So many times I've freaked out and yelled at J and felt really stupid afterwards. It's not his fault. It's not my doctor's fault. This really just all fucking sucks.

No person in their right mind would CHOOSE to do fertility treatments. Seriously, smarsh - you do NOT know how much that stuff screws with our bodies and moods. And the fact that we need to do it in the first place? Really freaking unfair.

So when M is yelling about how much she hates all this - it's true. And it sucks. And she wishes she could quit. But she can't. Because it means giving up the dream of having a baby... A sibling for the Buggins.

And that is what she's feeling. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. Infertility is hell. Treatments are hell. And she's raging against the unfairness of it all.

Unfortunately, as her loving and trying-to-be-supportive husband, you get the brunt of it. And that sucks too.

So HUGS to the both of you tonight. This IF stuff is really hard. On BOTH of you.

Krista said...

Smarshy I think it can be summed up as follows: "Infertility sucks balls and takes no particular path...you can just be enusred absolute destruction in it's trail."

I know you don't "get it". How could you. When we are being a raving lunatic, yelling and screaming at the one person who tries the hardest to understand and emptathize, we don't get it either. Sometimes we even know we are not being fair at the time. Sometimes we know what a bitch we are being at the time. But it is like we are powerless to turn it around. And the knowledge doesn't make it easier it makes it harder because we don't get ourselves, we feel out of control.

That fight, it was probably all about M feeling like she is yelling "WANT BABY WANT BABY WANT BABY!" She's pissed she has to go through this again, pissed that she has to deal with the side effects that make her so out of control and pissed that it hasn't fucking worked already. But most of all Smarshy she's scared. Scared that it won't work, that it will never work, that all this shit is for nothing and that in the meantime she is alienating the people she most loves and wants to protect. She is scared and she knows there is not a thing she, or you, can do about it and it fucking pisses her off.

teedles said...

Your posts serve a very important purpose in my world: I get that much needed reminder that infertility is not something that only affects me and my hormones. I got so comfortable with this being all about me: I'm the one who has to go to the doctor, I'm the one getting injections every day, I'm the one who needs sympathy. And chocolate. All about me. Me me me. I forgot about my husband.

I used to believe that no man could ever express a sincere interest in charting or cervical mucus. The secret women's club of "female troubles" used to be the only safe place where I could find empathy and support. Then in your blog you provide proof that a man can be sensitive, hopeful, helpful and even (gasp) understanding. That's been a refreshing eye-opener for me. I'm lucky to have a husband who is totally invested in our needs as we try to become parents; your blog reminded me that I can never forget him again.

Thanks to your perspective spilled out here in these posts, there is one more household where the Mr. is getting a lot more credit for his input (beyond sperm donor!!). Now I actually smile at my husbands humor and wisdom, and I stop and listen just a little longer... before it's all back to me. And my tirades are a lot shorter.

You are so right- husbands have feelings. If mine weren't chicken about blogs & such, he'd be the totally understanding other half of your imaginary conversation.

Now, I have to go share a block of chocolate with him. Hope it gets better in your world too.

OHN said...

sMARSHY: Thanks for your honesty. I wish my husband had been a little more communicative when we were going through all this shit. He told me a few years ago that he always loved me but was ready to walk away when I was in the crazed infertile woman mode. As I look back, I wouldn't have blamed him. THere is something in a woman's makeup that when added to drugs, makes us crazy and obsessed. I applaud you for your honesty. You are not a fraud, you are just a guy and we girls don't really think you guys "get it"--hell you won't even stop to ask for directions!

Watson said...

I really appreciate your honesty and the pespective that you bring. I would bet a million bucks my husband often feels the same way.

The sad part is, I feel that way too! I miss my former, 'funner' self. I hate being an infertility-obsessed cranky wench, but sometimes that's just the way it is and often my poor hubby is the target. I can blame it partially on the meds, partially on the stress, frustration and disappointment after trying for so long, and sometimes just on all the fricking poking and prodding and sticking and blood taking that happens throughout this delightful process. That's not an excuse, more of an explanation -- and I think sometimes the most compassionate, understanding partners often don't get how all of that adds up. How could they?

The bottom line is, I wish it wasn't so black and white: I wish it wasn't either the Happy Fun Wife OR the UMW. I wish, for all of us -- infertiles and their partners alike -- that we could endure everything it takes to start (or build) our families and also have moments of happiness and fun.

Is that too much to ask for, people, is it???

It probably is. I'm off to go scream obscenities at my husband.


Amy said...

Gosh, seems like everyone beat me to the comment punch. I thought my husband didn't "get it" either. But it turns out that his inability to "get it" didn't mean he didn't/doesn't care. He just shows he cares in different ways and sometimes, I have to look hard for those displays of care. You sound like you care too. I'm as lucky as your M is. Though my husband doesn't blog, I know he tries hard, and he confides in friends, and he cares. I couldn't ask for more. Okay, that comment was a little disconnected and all over the map. Sorry :-)

Leggy said...

What everyone else said, particularly ms. c- you may not get it, but just the fact that you try to get it says a lot. I think a lot of husbands just disappear or just "want the facts ma'am" and don't make much attempt to recognize all their wife is going through. So you get major brownie points just for that. Plus you are funny, and that counts for a lot. And you help us see sometimes how our husbands feel, particularly when we turn into UMW.

Kristi (spark) said...

Funny definitely counts for a lot!

Your unique observations & well-written commentary are what keeps me coming back -- not because you have some secret insight that the rest of us (incl. DHs) don't have. I'm sucked in - I want you & M to find happiness in whatever path you choose. And the fact that you *don't* have it all figured out just means you're human & vulnerable like the rest of us - and that is endearing.

Anonymous said...

Well, I don't care if you get it or not, or if/when you do, what bits you're getting and which bits are still a total mystery. The guy's point of view is valuable to me. Now, Mr Bea does give me his from time to time, and he can be quite articulate and self-expressive, but I do have to beat it out of him usually. (Not literally beat. Of course. Mostly not literally.)

And here you are giving me your side for free! I know you're not him, but I feel safe to assume there's some crossover, somewhere. At least it's a starting point. (Smarshy says this... is that what you're getting at? Well shit! What then?)

So um... keep going. Write these posts. Don't leave us for another community! You're wanted here. Getting it or not.


Thalia said...

I think the thing that everyone else is responding to is that you at least know that you don't get it. And that's the first step to getting it.

~r said...

It's ok to not get it. I can honestly say there are days when I don't get me... I don't understand why some things are a HUGE problem on Monday but don't bother me a bit by Tuesday (or even Monday night).

With that kind of unpredictability, who can get it all the time?

Sigh. Tread softly this next year. You're in a difficult position, and so is your wife. It's easy to throw all the sympathy her way because it is after all her own personal hell.. thanks for the reminder that it's hell for everyone else, too.

Rumour Miller said...

You are not alone... My DH is great, amazing, wonderful etc. But once he said to me, "Now just don't cry." In a really "I've effing had it" tone... so I know that DH doesn't always get it and that's okay. He still loves me, supports me, makes me laugh and he was still game to DTD when we needed to.

I think even the women don't get it at some point.

lola said...

I agree with the above posters that what people find wonderful about you is that you are very much aware of the fact that you don't get it - that is the first step. Believe me, I don't get it either and I hate when I am crying for no reason and my wonderful husband tries to comfort me but there's nothing he can say or do.

lola said...

I agree with the above posters that what people find wonderful about you is that you are very much aware of the fact that you don't get it - that is the first step. Believe me, I don't get it either and I hate when I am crying for no reason and my wonderful husband tries to comfort me but there's nothing he can say or do.

Beagle said...

What Thalia said . . . and the fact that you care enough to try to figure it all out.

Piccinigirl said...

I disagree with you, I think in many ways you do "get it" or at least you should be applauded for trying to figure it out. I KNOW that men and women treat IF differently, they just do. I think that many couples have conversations like you and your wife had , her ranting , you trying to quell her (her fears, her frustration, her sadness) and meanwhile you want a child too but it's easier for you to put those feelings in places and deal with them one at a time, women don't do that, we FEEL everything.

I'm impressed that you told us how you really feel, but you're not a fraud ,your a husband and a daddy and a human being and you're going to have all different feelings about this baby making journey. I think that as long as you keep being honest, esp with M, that it will work out.

My hubby doesn't always tell me what he feels, I know he believes in his heart that we will get PG and he secretly does not want to take out a home equity for IVF but in the end all that matters is he's in my corner, he's there for me . Just like you're there for M.

Katie said...

SMOOCHES TO THE SMARSHY!!! Keep serving up transparency with a side of humor. I love the buffet.

oh, and my word verification is zranl

in French that means "We are anal."

lunarmagic said...

I think my husband could have written this post. :) (Seriously, for a moment there I had to double-check to make sure this wasn't my husband's secret blog.) He really doesn't get it either - but he still is a wonderful, supportive husband. He has NO CLUE why I feel the obsessive need to work out charts and statistics and take my temperture and search online for baby stuff and obsess 12 hours a day about whether or not I'm pregnant. It's not his style.

But I think if you husbands just kind of listen to what we say and comfort us when we cry and avoid the things that make us want to punch you, then you're doing really good.

I'm new to your blog, btw... followed a link and started reading. I love the humor.

Anonymous said...

Hi mate

Just found your blog. This entry really did make me feel better. I am not alone!!

Good luck with your next round and I look forward to checking back.

Take it easy