Tuesday, October 17, 2006

She's BAAAAAAAACK

It was nice while it lasted, Happy Fun Wife. I really enjoyed seeing you again. Your positive attitude and carefree outlook truly was infectious. We had alot of laughs. Like, remember that time you dressed up as Catwoman and I dressed up like Superman and we went at it for hours on the roof?

You don't? Oh wait, I dreamed that.

But still, you were such a pleasure to be around. We danced in the kitchen, sang ridiculous Ses.same Street songs in the car at the top of our lungs (you have a terrible voice by the way), went for long walks, played in the yard, and just treated life like its a party. Remember? You were throwing down the M.ike's H.ard L.emonade like you were some kind of bar room floozie. Good times. I'll miss you.

I hope to see you again soon. I'm not sure when that might be, since if the next cycle doesn't work, then we're going to do another, and then probably another. AND, if any of these cycles DO work, then you'll be pregnant, and we both know how you love THAT. The puking, the bloating, the constipation. Remember last time, when your ankles disappeared? That was so funny. You looked like a weeble! Again, good times.

And THEN, after pregnancy? It's a brand new baby. Remember that last one? She only slept during the day, but never at night? And she kept crying. And barfing. Oh man, you were so tired, I think you were legally insane! Sorry I didn't help more. I was a little clueless. I promise to do MUCH better, if we are ever lucky enough to be back in that situation again.

So I'm putting the best case scenario at 18 months. I'll probably see you again in a year and a half. Sure, there may be times when you pop in for half an hour here, 15 minutes there. But I won't see you again for an extended period of time for at least 18 months. But don't worry, HFW, I'll still be here waiting for you whenever you decide to come back. I may have a few more grey hairs and a few welts and bruises, but I'll be here. Because I love you. (Could you swing by for a few minutes around the holidays? Buggins and I would really like to see you then.)

HER, on the other hand. The one who visits when your gone? She's bad. I wish I could send her to the "naughty chair" like I send the Buggins when she whips her grilled cheese at my head. I may be paranoid, but I don't think Unhappy Mean Wife likes me very much. One thing is for sure, she HATES doctors. She has to start going to see them again soon. Which is why you're leaving. I understand. I wouldn't want to stick around for that either. Soon I'll have to start sticking UMW with shots. Let me tell you, UMW does not dig on the shots.

In a few weeks, UMW will have to start driving, WITH the Buggins, into the city every day to see doctors. As you know, UMW HATES driving in the city. She's kind a chicken that way. Get's all freaked out. Man. You should see it. But again, I don't blame you for hightailing it out of here.

I get sleepy when you're gone. I nap alot, like sometimes 2 hours on a Saturday. Since you've been visiting, I haven't taken any naps, I've been full of energy. Painting room in the house, yardwork, doing fun family things. I've had boundless energy. But UMW takes it away. I guess I'll be getting used to that new brick bed we bought.

I guess that's all I have to say, HFW. I just wanted to say bye, and to let you know that I understand why you have to leave and I will work very hard to try to make UMW less , well, Unhappy and Mean while you're gone. I'll see you in a little over a year, hopefully sooner. If you could just send me a note before you show up, that would be great. It would give me a chance to neaten up a bit.

14 comments:

aah0424 said...

Your wife is so lucky to have a husband who understands why the Ugly Mean Wife has to come out. I had a major breakdown last night. I was ugly, mean, sad, illogical etc. and all my husband could say as I cried on his chest was-"I know you're scared about the doctors and stuff, but it could still happen on it's own." I just kept on crying, but I really wanted to hurl the remote at his head and say "Look here buddy 20 months isn't a drop in the bucket and I don't need your lame ass optimism!"

I hope your lovely wife comes back very, very soon!

SmarshyBoy said...

To be fair, I say things like that too, almost every day...

Anonymous said...

LOL. Sorry she's gone - your farewell tribute was touching.

Had to laugh at the ankles comment. That happened to me, too. My feet looked like bricks, too and made me sound like a sasquatch walking around.

The personality altering drugs are not fun - on either side, obviously. Why can't they make one with POSITIVE personality side effects?! I may be on to something here . . .

serenity said...

OH boy... This post I'm sure will win you the Husband of the Year award with Mrs. Smarshy. :)

We don't like it either when UMW takes over. But unfortunately we're powerless to stop it. And the worst part is that we're mean to the people we love most - like our husbands. And cats. (I've been less patient with Mr. Puck lately too.)

This stuff is hard. Really hard. It's no wonder that HFW disappears when it's time to go through treatments.

My Reality said...

I am sure M knows what a lucky lady she is to have a husband who gets this. Maybe that will keep the UMW away, at least a bit. It helps when our men support us and listen to us. And by now, you should have learned some of the what not to say to a woman on fertility drugs, so this process may be easier than you expect.

Good luck to you both.

SmarshyBoy said...

It's funny that you guys think I'll win points for this post. I'm beyond winning points. There are no points to be won. I can do everything, or nothing. It will have no effect. UMW doesn't give two squirts of PISS.

Piccinigirl said...

I am sure that any husband would be sad to see HFW leave and UMW take her place, but it's nice to see a husband that gets it and is going to work hard to have the place looking good when she gets back. I have been UMW many times and (this is a secret and if you tell Mr Kir I will have to kill you..hah) while I was being cranky and unlovable I was missing my husband as much as he missed his HFW.

IF just sucks all the good stuff out of both of us. Well ALL of us.

kristi/spark said...

LOL! Great post! Maybe she'll send postcards while she's gone.

Hopeful Mother said...

When you right Happy Fun Wife, I can't help but think of that SNL commercial where they say "Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball."

I hate being an UMW, but it is beyond my control, and if I knew it would end with a Buggins-like-creature at the end, it would so be worth it.

BTW, I don't have a hot weather pixie, but I sure would like to be on your blogroll...

Krista said...

Hmmmm.... I don't think this post will win you points. And I think that UNW is unavoidable....sometimes. But your HFW will be in and out enough that you'll know she's still there, in the background, really wishing this fucking shit wasn't necessary and wondering when it will all be over.

One Mother's Journey said...

Oh boy... has she killed you yet?

Your tribute was touching but I have to tell you, if my husband would have wrote it (and I knew about it!) when his UMW is visiting ... he'd be reminiscing vicariously with his 'ol buddy Mr. Hand for quite some time.

It's not easy Smarsh, but it'll be worth it again. HFW doesn't want to go away anymore than you want her to.

A.M.S. said...

This worked for a friend of mine...I tried to hint to S when I started my shots, but he never figured it out. Pediatricians and dentists learned long ago that icky treatments are made somewhat better with a cheap plastic toy. Reward every injection with fun goofy stuff from the dollar store! It might not bring HFW back, but it might turn UMW into SLUMW (slightly-less unhappy mean wife) for a bit. Temporary tattoos...princess tiaras and wands...

Just a thought! Good luck to you and Mrs. Smarshy!

Hopeful Mother said...

I just realized that I used "right" in my comment above, when I meant "write."

Hello, duh...

Carol said...

Your post made me sad. For you. and for my husband. I probably turn in and UMW while in the middle of a cycle, and I'm sure most of the time I don't even know it. So in M's defense - I'm sure most of the time she doesn't realize it, and she definitely can't help it. But that doesn't make it any easier on you, or on my hubby. I'll try to pay more attention to how I'm behaving next time. I say that now, we'll see...