Sunday, October 15, 2006

Didn't Need To Know

I've got a big post a'brewin'. It's swirling around in my head. I'm going to start writing it now but to be honest, I'm feeling a little lazy and I may call it quits well before I finish. I just painted the Buggins' playroom, and on one wall, I used this awesome chalkboard paint to paint a 6' x 3' chalkboard in the middle of the wall. Once the paint dries, it turns any surface into a chalkboard! Isn't that cool? As it's drying, it really looks like a classroom. I can't wait until she scrawls things on it like "poop" or "fart". Fun.

Anyway, that's not what I want to write about. I will start out by saying that in the past, I've always been kind of an "It is what it is" kind of person. I'm not usually the type that gets jealous when I see babies, or when I see dads with their pregnant wives. I just never really felt as though by being pregnant, they had taken anything from me. Well, let me tell you, last night, that all went out the window. Everything changed.

You see, last night, I couldn't sleep. That mattress I made a big stink out of buying is too damn firm. We refer to it as the "brick". As in "Honey, are you coming to the brick?" We're thinking about returning it. Anyway, I was lying there around midnight and I decided to fire up the laptop to see what was happening with that crazy bastard Kim Jong Il and that other crazy bastard, his US counterpart. I decided to check my e-mail, and lo and behold, there was an e-mail from my ex girlfriend. We'll call her "Pill". I haven't heard from her in about 2 years. You see, we met in Australia when I was just 22, and we dated for 4 years. Age 22 to 26; those are some pretty formative years. We feel like we grew up together. Anyway, we broke up in '97, and remained vaguely friendly for a few years in a "send a Christmas card" and "forward an e-mail joke" kind of way. She and M have even met. But like all ex-relationships, Pill and I drifted away, just like we're supposed to. No bad blood, remembering only good times, have a nice life, etc.

Anyway, this e-mail I got was one of those mass e-mails she sent to about 100 people. Reading the distribution list was like reading a who's who directory of my life in the early 1990's. I knew as soon as I saw the ridiculous title "Announcing...." what this e-mail was about.

Pill had a baby. Another baby. Baby #2.

My face got RED hot when I read the e-mail. She had told me when she had baby #1, because I got the same stupid-ass e-mail that time, too. But that time, I was actually happy for her, because M was pregnant with Buggins at the same time. Now, here we are in infertility hell, and Pill is having ANOTHER baby. It was probably easy for her. She probably doesn't even realize that it's actually hard for some people to have babies. I know she's had an easy time of it in the past...Get this: trying for baby #1, she was 35 and assumed she'd have some problems. So she and her husband tried to get pregnant for TWO months before they made an appointment at an IVF clinic. At their first appointment, they did some testing: She was ALREADY pregnant.

Plus, the very fact that she included me, who she hasn't seen or spoken to in years, in that e-mail shows her insensitivity. And she KNOWS we had alot of trouble making the Buggins. Why the F*$& did I need to know about her baby? What are we, friends?

Now I have to say, by many metrics, my situation in life is better than hers. During those years we were together, we did alot of talking and dreaming about the kind of life we wanted for ourselves. Well, I ACHIEVED that life. I live in the very waterfront town Pill and I dreamed about living in someday. She lives in some crapheap in a truly mediocre town. Her husband is average in every way. I married a beautiful women who I am totally, absolutely nuts about. She married a kind of dorky, weird guy who she didn't love that much, but who worships her. She settled for him because she thought she was running out of time (her drunken words one night when we bumped into eachother at a party, not mine). I make much more money than they could ever hope to make. In almost all superficial respects, and in quite a few meaningful respects, I was WINNING, dammit.

Until now.

I am SO PISSED that Pill had another baby, that she gets to give her first baby a sibling. I am so FURIOUS that that dorky little dickweed gave Pill something I am unable to give my wife, despite the fact that I believe M deserves it 1000 times more than her. And, I am PISSED that she even sent me the stupid e-mail. Because now it was after midnight, I was upset, and I was NEVER going to be able to sleep now, brick or no brick. And I knew that in the morning I was going to be put in a situation of being pissed about something and wondering if bringing it up to my wife was going to upset her.

For you clever folks out there...yes, I must have told M, since I am writing this blog post. She was not nearly as upset as I was, which was a rather nice reversal of the norm.

Plus, Pill named the kid a stupid name. I won't say what. But it's stupid.


Krista said...

Yup been there. Kind of why I refuse to stay in contact with my favorite ex-boyfriend. Haven't spoken to him in 6 years except to express sympathy on his father's passing. If he is living the family life I want, I just don't want to know!

Leggy said...

Ugh- that sucks. I wrote this post once re: your worst case scenario. You know, the one who's own infertility problems surpassed your own and made you feel better about your own crap. And then I got a 2nd baby announcement from my "worst case scenario" and it was just a total bummer. Even the person who I thought was more hard up than me has now surpassed me. I guess that makes our case "extremely sucky, beyond worst thing you've ever heard of."
Am curious about the stupid name. But you are right not to post it, because as soon as you do, someone will write "that's my kid's name" and leave your blog in a huff.

ms. c said...

Oh man. Smarshy, I hear your cry. So loud and clear. I actuallt blogged about this very same stupid topic (stupid becasue it shouldn't matter, but OH MY GOD it does) two weeks ago. I, too, was winning, but since the pregnancy announcement I feel like shit. They won the lottery and I get Met.formin as my booby prize.
On the plus side I am happy to hear that M is not taking this too hard.

Anonymous said...

Oh, good - guys do this too.


spark said...

Ugh - that sucks. It may not be any consolation, but you are "winning" in all of the areas that you *can* control & determine the outcome. And she happened to get lucky in that one department that is all about luck - IMO.

Kinda sucks that one of the most importants aspects in life is all up to luck -- and nothing we can do can change the fact that we have IF....despite good values, intelligence, good sense of humor, work ethic, great education, family connections, etc. All those things that make people "successful" in life don't really matter.

OHN said...

That sucks---it is almost as bad as the "friends" that ask you at least once a week--"are you pregnant yet"? and you have to smile that completely fake smile and say "you will be the first to know" as you are walking away wishing you could have decked them.

fisher queen said...

When an ex-boyfriend had his third, yes *THIRD*, while I had been trying for *ONE*, he sent out Christmas cards that said "another Christmas, another baby".

N said...

Oh yes it sucks. Bad it sucks. But I guess most people who try to have children do deserve them. Every person dealing with Infertility has a hard time dealing with it, and I don't think anybody deserves to be hit by it. But it is freaking hard. And fucking unfair. And insulting. And then she names the baby a horrible name. Well, I guess it would have all been different if she had named the child differently, right?

Now I could go on and on about how I wish you nothing more that for M to get pregnant next month, because I really do hope that she does. You have such a sweet (and apparently wonderful) family, but that wouldn't help, would it? It is infertility that is fucking unfair but it doesn't rob you of what you got - your wonderful family. And Pill probably will never have what you have, although she can have more children right now!

Long comment, sorry! We just got ourselves a "brick" too. I had to laugh so hard when I read your lines about it. Please keep updated about the brick business! Will you return it?

Take care!


aah0424 said...

Doesn't this weird jealous thing that women get over people getting pregnant totally suck? I'm glad M took it well and hopefully you guys won't ever have to hear from this woman again!

I don't have too many people that I know in my life that I would clearly be upset about them getting pregnant. However, there are (or were) two- an old neighbor of ours who is a tramp and a pot head that married a lawyer she didn't love just so she wouldn't have to work and the other is my sister-in-law just because I don't want them pregnant before us. The neighbor was due in September and between those two the neighbor was the one that definitely SHOULD NOT be a mother.

lola said...

It's a visceral, pit of your stomach reaction, isn't it? yup. I know how that feels.

~r said...

Ever wish you could stamp an email with "return to sender" and just chuck it back where it belongs? I always thought it was only women who felt that jealousy when they got newbaby announcements. If you suddenly feel the urge to start shooting dirty looks at expectant women, let me know. I've been working on that one for years and I think I've perfected The Nasty Subfertile Glare.

p.s. - we own a brick, too. We added a pillow-top mattress pad and suddenly, I could sleep again. And do all that other stuff I really can't do lying on concrete.

Hope548 said...

Amen brother, I feel ya! I've got my own weekend fun to blog about later! There are just certain things that set you off!

Katie said...

ARGH!!!!!!!! Sh*t brick for a bed and membership in a listserv you didn't sign up for. UNSUBSCRIBE DAMMIT UNSUBSCRIBE!

I have a friend who who gets preggo at the mention of it. I guess that's God's way of making up for her loveless marriage. Another gal is dirt poor, no insurance, and a bum husband. 3 kids--bonus!

I have a wonderful husband, solid financial situation, and a killer set of legs. No kid for me.

Rumour Miller said...

I can relate to that post on oh so many levels....

My absolute fave announcement came via MSN.

Announcer: "So did you hear about 'Too Young to have a Kid'?"

Infertile finally PG me: "No, what about her."

Announcer: "She's PG!"

Infertile finally PG me: "OMG, she is so young"

(deep down inside I am fuming and getting all red in the face)

Announcer: "Yea well we are totally going to support her and be happy for her. At least she didn't wait until she was like in her 30's or 40's like some people do."

I am not even shitting you that this a-hole said this. He was fully aware of our age and our infertility and the PGer in this msn was a 19 yr old who had a friggen ooopsie with her bf of like 3 months!

OMG, I need to go calm down now.

Piccinigirl said...

I have been there many times and it's always a shitt*y time. It keeps me awake for days, I can't help feel like I am failing at something and I have no way to make it better while these ignorant people just come about things so easily.
I wish the kind of brain erasing that Sunshine of the Spotless Mind had, because it's so hard to move beyond the "News".

Erin said...

I think I would hit reply and say "Please unsubscribe me from your list". Would she understand, or is she too thick? I have a friend who knows about our IF struggles for both P and this time around, who had her first 6 months after we started TTC#1 (before we realized we were infertile). We started TTC#2 almost a YEAR before she did, which she knew. She told me that they'd started TTC again--turns out, she was probably already pregnant when she told me that. I got an e-mail from her a few months ago entitled "Pictures of our boys!" I haven't spoken with her since. It was utterly insensitive to have said NOTHING about her pregnancy and then have sprung a newborn baby boy on me.

Sorry you had to deal with it.

Kristin said...

Ughhh. We all hate those announcements. Just console yourself with the knowledge that you're mad at IF, but you're not really jealous of Pill. I mean, if you could have 3 or 4 or even 5 of her kids OR just the Buggins...well, the choice is pretty obvious, right? You're still winning in every category.

Get a traditional spring mattress that's nice and firm, but has the cushiony soft Euro pillow top. The best of both worlds.

My Reality said...

I wonder if more men feel this way about these things or if you have just been hanging out with too many of us in blogland.

I hope you can figure out what to do with your new brick. When we got our new mattress before we got married, it was so hard, it made my boobs hurt. Now, I love my hard bed, but it did take about 3 months to get used to it.

Hopeful Mother said...

I'm sorry about "the brick." Buying a mattress is way too hard (no pun intended.) They should have some type of demo program.

Sorry about the announcement too. I think a lot of men dealing with IF feel the way you do, but it is really refreshing to see your feelings out there.

But, as many of the others have said, in the things in your life you *do* have control of, you are clearly "winning." And with Mrs. Smarshy and the Buggins you are definitely WINNING!

I do have to laugh that the baby name was a dumb one, though. That would make me feel better too!

Southern Comfortable said...

Back when I was working at a large, multi-city law firm, we would occasionally get e-mails that RandomPerson in another office had just had a baby. Whatever. I'd just delete them.

Once, though, the secretary of the associate who'd just given birth felt compelled to send multiple e-mail updates-- firm-wide, mind you-- as additional baby details became available. Tres annoying.

Finally, a paralegal in another office put a stop to the e-mails with one simple word. The paralegal replied to all (so that we could all share in the laugh), but a reply directly to Pill alone could suffice here:


serenity said...


It sucks. A lot.

I've said to J all the time that IF would be much easier to deal with if we didn't hear about all the other d*ckwads who didn't deserve it nearly as much had a hard time procreating.

Every time I hear about people having babies easily I want to scream "It's not fair."

It's not fair. And that fucking sucks.

Hang in there.

serenity said...

wow, that was a doozy of a sentence, huh? it confused me too. :)

Clarification: it pisses me off that fertility is inversely proportionate to IQ.

One Mother's Journey said...

Oh my God - I totally love the "Unsubscribe" idea...

Everyone else pretty much covered what I could add about "fucked up fertile etiquette" (FFE for short) - but I will tell you that I'm SO jealous that you painted the buggins room with that cool chalkboard paint! They did have that back in the days when I was birthing my babies... We briefly joked about painting the wall next to the toilet in our master bathroom with it cause that's where we both do our best thinking. I'll have to check where The-Husband is on that idea... it was a good one. Thanks for reminding me.

PS. If you actually "Unsubscribe" from Pill's updates, you'll be my hero.

Just another Jenny said...

That really sucks. When someone has something you want so badly, it's harder but it's even harder when it's an ex. I'm sorry. I can't wait until you can send her a "my life is great and by the way, my gorgeous wife is pregnant again" email.

Treggles said...

Oh, mattress dilemmas. We bought a new bed in the January sales 2005 and it's never been right for my back and shoulders. Finally ordered a replacement mattress last weekend!

Sorry about the other stuff.

(zjsvmydp - one of the longest yet?)

spark said...

SoCo - LOL about the "unsubscribe" reply - brilliant!!!!

And a brick sounds pretty good to me - I can't stand fluffy beds. If you haven't dirtied up your mattress yet why don't you send it down here.

Meri-ann said...

People are idiots.

A 'friend' sent me an email last year, about 3 months after I lost my first set of twins at 16 weeks. No title. I opened the email to be confronted with:
'LOOK AT MY BIG PREGNANT BELLY' complete with pictures.

Luckily, she's in another state or I would have hunted her down. Since that day I've only dealt with her when I've absolutely HAD to, mainly because our husbands are friends.

Anyway, just thought I'd share my story- seems we all have to deal with Pills.....